The 'Emmett Tries to Understand' Series
by EdwardsMate4ever
Summary: Emmett is curious about his brother's relationship. AU. No Bella - Jakeward. These are a series of silly one-shots from EmmPOV. Rated M for explicit themes and language.
1. Pitcher or catcher?

**A/N:** Just a short conversation between Edward, Emmett and Jasper that kind of came to me and asked to be written.

**Setup:** Imagine a Twilight universe where there is no Bella and Jacob imprinted on Edward. They're mated, and Edward's brothers are kind of curious...

**Pitcher or Catcher?**

Emmett POV

Jasper and I were just minding our own business, playing on the Xbox, when Edward walked in, reeking of werewolf. I crinkled my nose at the stench. _Ugh, how can you stand it?_

Edward sat on the loveseat across from us. "Stand what?" he asked innocently, even though he totally knew what I was talking about.

Jasper and I exchanged a look of exasperation. Jasper was the one to reply. "You stink like a wet dog. We can barely stand to be in the same room with you anymore."

He shrugged, smiling that crooked smile of his. "Sorry," he said, totally not sorry about it at all.

He watched us play our game for a little while. I was starting to get used to the reek, although it still kind of burnt my nose. Jasper lost the round and tossed his controller to the floor.

"Get a handle on your lust, Edward! You're throwing me off!" Jasper exclaimed.

Edward chuckled, "Sorry!" He sounded a little more genuine about it this time.

We started another round, but knowing that Edward was thinking about screwing around with the dog got my mind working in overdrive. I can't help it, I'm a real sexual guy. I was kind of curious about how they decided who was the guy and who was the girl...

Edward sighed loudly. "Just ask your question, Em."

I paused the game and looked over at his smug, satisfied face. Jasper's interest was peaked, and his curiosity tinged the air around him.

"Alright, Eddie," I said, sneering at him. "Are you the pitcher or the catcher?" Right after I asked, I kinda wished I could un-ask. I wasn't sure I really wanted to know. Jasper stared openly at Edward. Apparently, he was real interested to know.

Edward laughed at my thought process. "What do you think?" he asked, pointedly.

I shifted in my seat uncomfortably. He grinned wide and winked at me. I decided he was enjoying my discomfort way too much. "I don't know. Jacob's a lot bigger than you..."

"He's a little taller and his muscles are bigger, yes, but I'm older and wiser," he retorted.

I felt a strange sense of relief knowing he was pitching. It meant I could relate to him.

Edward laughed at me. "I never said that."

I frowned. "Oh, so, you catch then?" I was kind of disappointed at that. I mean, I tease Edward mercilessly, call him a pussy and all that good shit, but I never actually saw him as feminine. Then again, I definitely couldn't imagine Jacob being the submissive one either.

"Aw, thanks, Em. But you're wrong again."

What the hell does that mean. That cryptic asshole. Now I was thoroughly confused. They didn't have sex?

He decided to put my mind out of it's misery. "We share," he replied seriously, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

"Ah," Jasper intoned. "That sounds fair."

"Yeah, fair," I echoed. "But, come on, you must like one way more than the other. If you could choose to be dominant or submissive for the rest of your days, which would you go for?" I questioned him.

Edward's eyes kind of unfocused as he stared off, considering my question. Jasper and I shared a wondering glance before he came out of his daze, shaking his head. "I really couldn't choose."

I scoffed, "Oh come on! One has to be better than the other!"

"Nope, they're both awesome."

I crossed my arms now, feeling indignant. He was holding out on me, I knew it.

"Please, Edward. You can't tell me that taking it up the pooper is better."

His eyes widened at my word choice. It _was_ kind of ridiculous - none of us had taken a shit in decades. Edward laughed outright at my thought. I couldn't help but join in - it was pretty amusing. Really, this whole conversation was kind of crazy.

"Agreed," he answered. "Maybe taking it up the...pooper...as you so eloquently call it...isn't better in normal relationships, but Jacob is different." He kind of shuddered involuntarily and looked away, like he was remembering something.

Jasper piped up. "How is he different? He's got a cock, doesn't he? I bet it's fucking huge too."

"Mmm," Edward hummed a little at the memory of Jacob's cock.

I rolled my eyes. "Gross, dude. Just answer the question," I snapped impatiently.

He pinched the bridge of his nose. He seemed kind of frustrated with me. "Just think about it for a second. Have you ever shaken his hand, or accidentally brushed shoulders passing in the hallway?"

I nodded, not sure where he was going with this. "Sure."

"And what was his body temperature like?" he asked slyly.

Jasper brought his fist up to his mouth as he realized whatever Edward was implying. "Oh...oh SHIT!" Edward waggled his eyebrows as Jazz sat back in shock.

What the fuck, I still didn't know what was going on. "I still don't get it!" I whined.

Edward rolled his eyes and shrugged. Then, he stood up, making his way up the stairs to his room.

"Hey," I called up after him. "Don't leave me hanging!" But he was already gone. Asshole. I hated that everyone always figured stuff out before me. Why couldn't anyone in this family just be straightforward!

Jasper put his hand on my arm, pushing me to get me to face him. Judging from the look on his face, I knew he would fill me in. "So?" I asked, getting impatient.

"Em...think about it, man. Edward is freezing cold. Jacob is blazing hot." I nodded. "Now, imagine what a pitcher does..."

I imagined my own cock being engulfed in a tight fiery pit of lava. My breath caught a little in my throat at the thought, and my crotch twitched a little. "Oh...oh damn," was all I could manage.

Jasper smirked at me, "Now imagine what a catcher does..."

_Oh fuck._ Now I'm not gay or nothing, but being something of a snowman myself, I can't deny the allure of a red-hot poker up the butt. I mean, that would be a pretty incredible feeling. Even if it did mean I had some stinky dog's cock in my ass.

"Fuck, dude." I whispered. "Hey!" I called up to Edward, "Can I borrow your dog?"

"Hell no!" he yelled back.

Fucking asshole has all the luck.

**A/N: **Just thought it was a cute idea. Hope you enjoyed it!


	2. Never Nude

**A/N**: ClosetFanFic asked me, how can Edward 'catch' if he never had anal sex as a human? A very good question. He wouldn't be able to if it were canon, but let's just pretend for this series that he can. Makes things more fun!

This is little one-shot was inspired by both Halloween and the return of Arrested Development to network television next year! I hope you enjoy it.

**Emmett POV**

Edward and Jacob were crowded into the bathroom two doors away from my room, getting ready for some friend's Halloween party. They were talking back and forth about their hair and their costumes. It was seriously starting to annoy me - they were breaking into my thinkin' time. What the hell, if I'm gonna be hearing their conversation anyway, might as well go check the costumes out, see what they were squwakin' like hens about.

I got off my bed and headed to the bathroom. The door was wide open. Jacob was adjusting his police hat in the mirror. Jacob was going as a cop? I glanced down at the rest of the costume. He was wearing a short-sleeve police uniform, and the shorts were seriously tight. I guess he must be a _sexy_ cop.

I caught Edward's smirk in the mirror. Bastard, he was reading my thoughts again. He was primping his hair in the mirror. Lord knows, he has nothing else to primp - all he had on were a pair of tiny denim cutoffs. Like, I mean tiny. Like only big enough to cover his junk. What the hell was he supposed to be? Almost naked guy?

Edward chuckled out loud at that. I just glared back at him. He didn't care. He just turned his attention back to his hair.

Satisfied with his hat placement, Jacob said, "Hey Em. Happy Halloween!"

"You too. Where are you guys going?"

"Oh, just this total queen's Halloween party. We met him at the club."

Edward and Jacob looked at each other and rolled their eyes at the thought of this 'queen.' "So, why are you going if you think he's annoying?" I asked.

Jacob shrugged. "Cuz there will be a lot of other people there. Maybe some of them will be cool. That's kind of the point of the costumes. To ferret out the laid-back, chill people, like us," he gestured at himself and Edward, "and the over the top, faggoty queens."

Well that made sense, I thought. "Well, that makes sense."

Jacob went on to explain their plan to me. "So, we get there, and mingle, and the people who know right away what we're dressed as - those people are probably gonna be cool. But, the people who have to ask...?" Jacob trailed off and met Edward's eyes in the mirror.

"Time to move on. Don't waste our time," Edward finished his sentence. Aw, isn't that cute. Or it would be cute if Edward wasn't able to finish everyone and anyone's sentences. He ignored me and went back to his already-perfectly disheveled hair.

"Yup," Jacob continued. "Not that anyone will be able to talk to us. Not when they're busy cumming at the very sight of Edward!"

Edward laughed, "Oh please. You don't do half bad yourself."

Jacob waved his hand at Edward dismissively. "Honey please, I know it's you they're cumming over. And why wouldn't they?" His eyes raked quickly over Edward's body. I found myself doing the same. Was it weird that I thought he looked hot too?

Edward thankfully ignored my internal comment about his body. Still tweaking at his hair, he said into the mirror, "Look, it actually really sucks for me. You wouldn't believe some of the perverse fantasies they have about me! And then I have to try to have a conversation with them, while they're thinking about me like that. It's soooo awkward."

That would seriously suck. Jacob agreed with me. "Sorry, babe."

Edward shrugged 'what can you do?' and stared at his hair for a minute. I guess he decided he was done, so he turned to face us, finally. "Ready to go?"

Jacob nodded, "Just waiting for you, man."

Shit, they were leaving and I hadn't figured out what they were yet. Oh man, I was just like the people they wanted to avoid at the party if I didn't get it, so I decided to not say anything, in the hope that they didn't notice I hadn't said anything about their costumes.

Edward smirked at me and looked quickly at Jacob, then back at me. His smirk grew bigger as Jacob opened his mouth, "So, Emmett, what do ya think?" He indicated the costumes with his thumb.

Fuck me. I really didn't want to admit I didn't know what they were. Alright, just play it cool. "You guys look awesome." Please, Jacob, let that be good enough. Edward shook his head slightly, giving me a sympathetic look.

"Do you think people will be able to tell?" Jacob asked.

"Tell what?" I was trying to stall him.

"Who we are, like are the costumes obvious enough?"

"Totally." I hoped that was true.

"Cool." Jacob clapped me on the shoulder as he made his way out of the bathroom. Damn, I felt really uncool right now.

I turned to Edward, who was looking at me like he felt bad for me. "Not uncool, just obtuse." As he made his way out the door, he whispered, too quiet for Jacob to hear, "We're a hot cop and a never nude."

_Ooooooooooooooooh._ Of course.

"We used to always watch Arrested Development. Come on man." With one more smirk for me, he left for the party.

Damn, what an awesome idea. Maybe I should dress like a never nude for Rosie...

The End

**A/N:** If anybody has a suggestion for a new Emmett discovery about gay men, I'd love to hear them!


	3. Kiss and Tell

**Kiss and Tell**

**EmmPOV**

Rosalie and I were chillin' in the living room, watching some bogus shit on TV, when Jacob and Edward glided down the stairs and into the foyer. Well, Edward glided. Jacob stomped. Rosalie gritted her teeth beside me at his loud footsteps. She had grown to love Jacob, but she still got annoyed by him a lot of the time...just like she did with Edward.

Jacob was off to work - he'd gotten a job recently at an auto-repair shop. He was a grease monkey, and he loved it. I think Edward quite liked when he came home all sweaty and dirty after a hard day's work. They were talking in hushed voices, so I tried not to listen and focused on the TV.

My head turned instinctively as I heard the unmistakably wet sounds of kissing. Hey, what can I say? I like sex - it's my favorite pastime. I can't help but look. They were more than just kissing though - they were full-on making out, bodies pressed together, Edward against the wall and everything.

As I watched them "say goodbye" in the foyer, I couldn't help wondering what it had been like for them the first time. Who came on to who? Was it weird and awkward, or did it feel right? How do two mortal enemies decide to hook up?

Jacob left and Edward came into the living room. He sauntered over to his piano, a self-satisfied expression on his face. He lovingly fingered the keys, not pressing them, just running his fingers over them lightly. Rosalie snorted softly at him. He seemed lost in thought, so I shook him out of it,

"How did it feel when Jacob first kissed you?"

Edward was taken aback by my unexpected outburst, but he recovered quickly, smirking that crooked grin at me.

"Who said _he_ kissed _me_?"

Rosalie rolled her eyes. "Oh please, Edward. It would never have been you initiating."

Edward looked pissed for a second, but then he shrugged and nodded, as if to say 'when you're right, you're right.'

Now, I wanted him to answer my question. I was seriously curious now that I'd thought of it, and it was gonna kill me until I found out. "So, what did you feel when he first kissed you?"

Edward toyed with the throw on the couch, looking down at his fingers, smiling softly to himself. I would swear he was picturing the scene now. "At first, I was quite surprised," he paused, his grin growing wider, "then, I just went with it."

_So, you liked it?_

His eyes rolled dramatically. "Obviously."

Damn, Rosalie had always said since the beginning that Edward was gay, but I never paid attention. She resented him for not showing an interest in her, and I always thought she just said he was gay as a way of making herself feel better. But, shit, if she wasn't right!

Edward smirked. "You know, I never even considered it in my whole life. I just thought Rosalie was being a bitch too." Rosalie scowled and crossed her arms indignantly. Edward continued,

"Growing up in the times I did, it was a sin in church and that was all you ever saw or heard of it. It just never entered my mind as a real possibility."

"So, what changed?" I wondered.

"Nothing. And everything."

This fucker always had to be so cryptic. I always had to yank everything out of him, like pulling teeth.

He heard my little rant and decided to go easy on me, for once.

"I mean, _I_ never changed. I've always been this way. I just didn't realize it. Until I met Jacob, and then everything changed. I can't really explain it to you, except...he makes me feel...alive again."

A smile spread across my face. That, I could understand. He smiled at me before flashing up the stairs to his room.

As soon as Edward was gone, Rosalie straddled my hips and pulled me close by the collar of my shirt, until our faces were inches apart. Her eyes were hooded and she smiled seductively, before using her sexiest voice to say,

"Why don't you take me upstairs and make _me_ feel alive again?"

Don't have to ask _me_ twice!

**A/N:** Just a silly little thought I had. Hope you enjoyed it :)


	4. The Scent of Sex

**The Scent of Sex**

EmmPOV

They were going at it..._again_. For like the third time today. Don't get me wrong - I love sex. I'm happy that Edward and Jacob are fucking. I just wish I didn't have such good hearing.

Edward knows I can hear them - of course he does. He's had to listen to me and Rose and Alice and Jazz - even Carlisle and Esme (shudder), so there's no way he doesn't know I can hear him. But, when he and Jake get into it, he doesn't care. He's only focused on the task at hand, so to speak, and a lot of times he's louder than Jacob - and _that_ little fucker is loud!

I glanced over at Jasper. He was hugging himself, his lips pressed together in a thin line, his eyes tightly closed. Poor guy. I thought I had it bad, having to hear every moan and sigh. But Jasper - he had to feel what they felt. And they obviously were infecting him with the _fuck me_ bug.

To rescue him, and distract myself, I tried to get our minds off of what was going on upstairs. Which apparently was Edward fucking the shit out of Jacob. No really. Jacob just said that. (_Oh my god, you're fucking the shit out of me._)

"Hey, do you know that girl who sings that song?"

Jasper smirked. "Could you be more specific?" he asked, grinning. He seemed happy that I was trying to have a conversation over the noise.

"I heard it on the radio on the way home from Newton Outfitters. She has this rich, kinda husky voice. It's not the usual kind of thing I listen to, but I liked it."

"Well, how does it go?"

I furrowed my brow, trying to remember the words and tune. I sang to the best of my ability, which was pretty good, since I was a vampire and all, but it fell short of the real song.

"I'll set fiy-er-er, to the rain. Watched it po-o-our as I touched your fay-ce..."

Recognition washed over Jasper. "Oooh, yeah, that song is awesome. I don't know who sings it though."

"Gotta find out. I wanna get that album."

"You don't have to. I have it."

My head snapped to the direction of the staircase when I heard Edward's voice. Damn, remembering that song must have really worked to distract me, because I would have figured they were still going at it.

Edward smirked at my thoughts. Asshole. You were the one being loud.

Edward sighed dramatically while rolling his eyes. "The singer is Adele. She's amazing. The CD is in my room - you can go get it and burn it if you want."

"Thanks, man." Edward nodded and started for the front door. Wonder where he's off to. "Where you going?"

He paused and turned back to face me. "Oh, I heard Carlisle. He's almost home. It sounds like he had a rough day - lost a patient. Just thought I'd see if he wanted to talk about it or something."

_That's nice of you._

Edward shrugged. "He's done a lot for me."

Can't argue with that. With that, Edward left to meet Carlisle's car. That's when I realized that Jacob was still up there in the bedroom.

"He's in the shower. You won't bother him." Edward answered my unspoken concern from outside.

If he says so. But oh man, what if Jacob finishes showering while I'm in there and he comes out of the bathroom naked? I'd seen him naked countless times when he phased, but I didn't want to see that now - not right after he had sex with my brother. Turning back towards Jasper, I gave him my best puppy dog eyes and pleaded, "Come with me?"

He smiled and nodded, as we both rose from our seats. We flashed up the stairs, and in an instant, we were outside their bedroom door. I could hear the shower going and Jacob, poorly crooning some unrecognizable song. Jasper and I ducked our heads together and looked into each others eyes intensely, as if we were football players about to discuss tactics during a big game.

"Alright, Jazz. In and out, k? I'm gonna warn him we're in there, so he doesn't walk outta there naked."

"Sounds good."

Breaking our little huddle, I turned the doorknob and we entered their room. I usually kept out of there - mostly because, at any given time, they were probably fucking, or on their way to it. I felt my nose crinkle involuntarily - this room REEKED of sex. The scent of their cum mized together hung heavy in the air. Jasper choked next to me. At least it wasn't just me.

"Uh, hey Jake? Me and Jazz are just looking for a CD!" I called out.

The singing stopped abruptly, and there was a pause before Jacob called back, "Okay!"

We made our way over to the ginormous CD collection. Damned if every surface in this place didn't smell like one or the other's jizz. They must just do it where ever they happen to be standing, because the smell wasn't localized at all - the scent of sex was _everywhere_.

Jasper took the first wall of CDs, and I took the second. Running my fingers along the spines of the cases as I searched for Adele, I noticed that even some of the CDs smelled strongly of love juice. Gross, dude. I held my breath.

Suddenly, the water turned off, and I heard Jacob step out of the shower. He appeared in the doorway of their bathroom, leaning against the frame. Thankfully, he had a towel slung around his waist.

"You're never gonna find whatever your looking for," he chuckled. He gestured at the wall of CDs. "There are literally thousands of them."

My shoulders sagged in defeat. "You're right. A little help?"

"Sure, sure. What are you looking for?"

"Adele."

"Oh, we've been listening to her recently." He sauntered over to the stack of CDs next to the stereo, finding the right one quickly. He came closer to hand it over. "You'll like it," Jacob said with a smile, "it's so good."

I had used up my store of air. Taking in a shallow breath so I could speak, my brow furrowed in confusion as I thanked him and accepted the CD. _Strange..._ Jacob smells like Edward. But didn't he just get out of the shower? He shouldn't smell like sex anymore. Maybe it was just being in this room that was making me think that.

Jasper and I left so Jake could get dressed. Going back to the living room, Jasper took the CD from me and headed for the stereo so we could listen to it. I had to know if he noticed what I noticed, so I asked him.

"Hey, Jazz?" I began. "Did Jacob...you know...smell like Edward to you after he came out of the shower?"

He shrugged as he slid the CD onto the tray. "Sure. But they usually smell like each other."

That was certainly the reality, but...

"Yeah, but he literally just got out of the shower. So...showers make you clean...with soap and stuff."

Jasper pushed the tray back in with the tip of his index finger. He turned to look at me, leaning against the stereo table with his hands clasping the edge. He grinned devilishly, before laying this little gem on me:

"Well, ya can't wash away the trace amounts of semen stuck in your ass."

_Gross._

"Aw, man!" I whined. "I can never un-know that now."

A/N: I'm so weird. Encourage my oddity?


	5. Physical Immaturity

**Physical Immaturity**

**Emmett POV**

Jacob was sitting on the couch, perusing the latest issue of Car and Driver magazine. He was thoroughly engrossed, and I was bored as shit. So, I watched him read. He didn't take much notice - he was used to vampires staring into space. If he noticed me staring at him, he would probably think I was lost in my own thoughts, not watching him intently.

I tried to imagine what make and model he was looking at as the corners of his mouth would turn up when he found some sweet car that he wanted to drive or repair. Like I said I was bored. I tired quickly of that game though, since I couldn't actually confirm whether or not my guesses were right.

I began instead to just look at him. Rarely did I really give him a good once-over. He was really tall, and his rippling muscles were almost as big as my own. Like me, he didn't have to work out to achieve that - he was naturally bulky. His dark skin was smooth and unblemished, and it looked soft and warm, even though his skin was stretched tight over his broad physique. Now, I wasn't a homo, but I could see why Edward would be attracted to him. So vastly different from Edward himself, who was slight and lean and just plain _dwarfed_ by his wolf.

Chalk it up as yet another reason for my long-held assumption that Edward must be the bottom in this relationship. Edward was not just significantly smaller in build, but he was also a lot prettier than his mate. Not that Jacob was ugly - he wasn't. But he was far more masculine looking. Jacob probably liked to pretend Edward was a girl.

Up to a certain point anyway. Of course, Edward didn't have girl parts. No, he was mature enough underneath the cover of his jeans. I'd seen him naked before - in over 70 years, it would be hard not to. Luckily for him, he had aged enough in his human life to have grown to an acceptable size. But still, he was virtually hairless. What hair he did have resided only around his junk, and it was pretty light. Not that I lingered when I looked. But it was hard not to notice that Edward had some more feminine qualities about him. If he hadn't been so young, he probably would've looked a lot more manly.

Thinking about Edward's perpetual youth brought my thoughts along to more...personal lines. I mean, he was just a kid, really - his lack of experience a century in the making. I decided there was absolutely no way that he had lasting power during sex.

I wanted to ask Jacob, but I was pretty sure that he'd never answer me. Or maybe he would, if I took him by surprise. Maybe he'd be too shocked to really consider whether he should answer or not, and just lay it out there for me.

So, I used my giant, brazen balls to my advantage.

"Hey, Jacob." He looked up from his magazine when I spoke to him.

"Just wondering..." He raised his eyebrows, encouraging me to continue.

"Does Eddie have a problem with..._premature ejaculation_?" I emphasized that last bit, waggling my eyebrows.

Jacob's jaw dropped in shock. He was truly flabbergasted by my bold and inappropriate question. He remained that way, just staring at me with his mouth open, for a full minute. I could practically see the gears turning in his brain. I just sat there, smiling innocently, waiting for him to respond. Recovering himself, his face scrunched up and his brow furrowed in annoyance.

"Jesus, Emmett. Why do you have to be such an asshole?" he spat, throwing the magazine aside rather forcefully.

Damn it. I should have figured it wouldn't work. All I succeeded in doing was pissing him off.

"I'm not trying to be an asshole!" I said defensively. He rolled his eyes and huffed.

"Seriously, Jake, it's a common problem for teenagers. Every guy suffers from that at some point." Although, _I _never did, I thought smugly to myself.

"Well, _I'm_ still a teenager - do you think _I_ shoot too soon too?" He was pretty offended, so I reassured him.

"Nah, your body is like a twenty-five year old's...even if your brain is still infantile." I just couldn't resist jabbing at him a little. He gritted his teeth and remained silent.

"But poor little Eddie. He never got a chance to outgrow that possibility."

Jacob crossed his arms and looked away. He wasn't going to be swayed.

Damn it! Maybe I could have approached this differently.

Suddenly, Edward appeared behind Jacob's seat on the couch. He shot me a dirty look. Guess he had 'overheard' our conversation...

My brother ignored me, bending down to whisper in Jacob's ear. Totally unnecessary, of course. I could hear everything. But I guess he was doing it for effect.

"Wanna go hunting with me?" Edward purred, his voice husky.

Suddenly, I was forgotten - like I wasn't even there. Jacob's heart rate sped up exponentially as Edward ran a cool hand across Jacob's overheated chest. The wolf's cutoff jeans tented so quickly, you'd think he was a vampire too. Jacob let out a low growl before bolting out the door, never speaking a word - at least, not verbally.

I heard the familiar pop and crackle of his phasing and the tearing of his clothing just before he raced off into the forest. Edward remained behind, trying to adjust his crotch inconspicuously, watching through the open front door as his mate raced away.

"What are you waiting for?" I asked, confused that he wasn't following the wolf.

Not taking his eyes off the woods, Edward replied,"I'm giving him a head start..."

I realized then that it was Jacob who was the target of the 'hunt'. Edward grinned widely, confirming my suspicion, before turning his face away from the door to speak to me.

"For the record, sometimes I do."

_Do what?_

"Cum too fast. He just gets me so worked up..."

Whoa, I can't believe he just admitted that to me!

Edward shut his eyes, lost in some memory, no doubt of the two of them fucking like rabbits. He smiled softly, and opened his eyes again, meeting my own stunned gaze.

"But I recover just as quickly," he finished, rather smugly. "Twice as nice."

He winked at me before flashing out the door to hunt down his mate.

Twice as nice. _Sick, dude._

**A/N:** Just a quick little perverse idea that wormed it's way into my brain, inspired by an awesome fic titled An Abridged Account, by alchemilla mollis. Review?


	6. An Awkward Exit

**A/N: **Just a reminder - this series is a bunch of separate one-shots. There is no through plot or real timeline. The snapshots are not even necessarily chronological. Just random vignettes.

**An Awkward Exit**

**Emmett POV**

We were just finishing up a family meeting, sitting around the dining room table. We did this every month, just to officially share any news or concerns - mainly about suspicions that the local humans might have. Each mated pair sat on one side of the rectangular table - Carlisle and Esme at one end, Alice and Jasper on one side and me and Rose opposite them, and Edward always sat at the other end. Only now, Jacob sat there too.

The meeting had come to an end pretty quickly. There wasn't much to report. We had just moved to a new place in Attleboro, Massachusetts. The kids at school thought we were weird and snobby. as usual. People at the hospital noticed that Carlisle was a damn good surgeon for a 25 year old, so he grudgingly had to tone it down. And my boss at Modell's caught me easily lifting a box of bowling balls which I probably should not have been able to lift, so I had to be more aware. Luckily, my boss decided to ignore it.

Jacob yawned and laid his head on Edward's shoulder, hiding his face against Edward's neck. I glanced at the clock - it was only 11:45. Jacob could usually stay up till at least 1 in the morning.

"Will you come lay with me while I fall asleep?" Jacob whispered, lazily.

It was so sweet, I could almost hear Esme melting in her seat. Edward rolled his eyes at the ceiling and shook his head, but his voice was affectionate.

"Eventually you're going to have to learn to fall asleep on your own."

Jacob stood up and put his hands on his hips, playfully. Pointing his chin in the air, he looked really cocky. "Not if you always grant me my request."

"Such fancy words from you," Edward smirked.

"I guess you're rubbing off on me."

"Am I?"

"I don't know, are you?"

They stared at each other for a few moments silently.

Suddenly, Edward gasped sharply and his eyes turned black. Jasper was pinned against the back of his chair, so strong was Edward's sudden assault of feeling. In a flash, Edward scooped Jacob up in his arms and ran out of the room. Jasper gripped the edge of the table tightly, the wood bending a little - threatening to crack. Esme cleared her throat and Jasper relaxed his fingers, the powerful emotion dissipating with Edward out of the room.

What on earth could Jacob have been thinking to piss Edward off so much? I thought their little interaction was cute!

Even though he was still affected by Edward's onslaught of emotion, Jasper felt my confusion. His blackened eyes were beginning to turn back to amber as he said, his voice huskier than usual, "Verbal banter is like foreplay to Edward."

Oh man. Of course it is. Edward wasn't pissed off - he was fucking horny.

Alice sat with her head down, staring at the tabletop. She was pouting, muttering to herself, "Wish I could see around Jacob. Would've been funnier to watch everyone's faces during that little exchange."

Aw, poor little future-teller. Your ability is broken? Too bad, now you're just like the rest of us.

Rosie sat, dumbfounded for a moment, staring at the spot where Edward and Jacob had been sitting. Her brow creased, and her pretty, lush lips pressed together in a tight line. Uh-oh. The bitch-face.

Crossing her arms, she whipped her hair off her shoulder. "That was so _rude_!"

Please, if I had a nickel for every time Rosie and I just started making out in front of everyone...

The rest of the family seemed to remember our escapades too, and rolled their eyes at her, snickering and huffing dismissively. She looked around at everyone in anger for laughing at her, before her eyes fell on me for support.

Shrugging, I said nonchalantly, "Eh, come on, Rose. We used to do that shit all the time!"

"You still do!" Jasper chimed in, making everyone laugh.

I laughed too. "Yeah. It's just young love, Rose - give them a pass. Edward's waited so long for a mate."

She conceded, nodding and sitting back down next to me. A small smile flickered across her lips. As I grabbed her hand in mine, Carlisle decided to speak up.

Always the fatherly type, he said, "Now, now. They didn't say specifically why they were leaving, so we can't be one hundred percent certain that they're...you know..."

Esme rolled her eyes and scoffed at him. "Oh please, Carlisle. It's so obvious. Nobody just up and leaves the room like that unless it's sex-related!"

Geez, even Esme caught on to their "foreplay". I felt like a dolt for not getting it right away. Esme was right - it WAS obvious they were running off to fuck.

Carlisle ducked his head - if he could be blushing, he would be. Poor Carlisle. Eternally embarrassed because he viewed us all as his children.

"But, I can hear them," he whispered furtively. Someone moaned loudly and the bed squeaked, almost in answer to his words.

"And he _knows_ I can hear - that we _all_ can!"

Now, I get it; listening to gay sex going on all the time in the house got old, but it seemed to be bothering Carlisle more than it should. Probably because Edward was like his firstborn son - 'made in Carlisle's image'. Just like a lot of human dads, he accepted that Edward was gay, but it didn't mean he was entirely comfortable with it.

I think it's because he can't fully _understand_ it - kinda like me.

Alice laughed heartily, doubling over and clutching at her stomach. Gathering herself, she glanced around the table at all of us, trying to suppress her smile.

"Oh, you guys. Edward doesn't care! He's been uncomfortable for decades! He will be as loud as he wants to be, just to get you all back!"

Everyone stared back at her, silent for a moment, taking in her words. Glancing around at each other, we couldn't help the knowing smiles that spread among us, as we each remembered our own particularly loud hookups in the house.

"Stop it!"

Edward's voice was too quiet for Jacob to hear him, but boy, was he pissed at us! We were probably throwing off his mojo with our fantasies.

We all burst out laughing. This time, he shouted,

"SHUT UP!"

**A/N:** Just wanted to write a little something to include the whole Cullen clan, and their reactions to Jakeward. I know it's a little different from the others, but I think I kinda liked it. Let me know if you did?


	7. Natural Enemies

**Natural Enemies**

**EmmettPOV**

You didn't need vampire hearing to know when Edward and Jacob were having a fight. Their fights were wicked, loud, hurtful confrontations. Things got said that shouldn't ever be said. Stuff got thrown - I don't know if it was each other's bodies, or just lamps and shit. It was crazy!

Here I was, just minding my own business, watching Field of Dreams on TNT (fucking commercials and all), and then they just interrupt with their yelling so I missed the best part!

In the field, with the dreams!

Damn it!

Just then, Edward raced down the stairs, seriously pissed. He was followed closely by Jacob, who looked equally pissed. Edward seemed like he was about to leave in a huff, while Jacob looked like he was going to pounce and pin him to the door any second. Apparently, he was, because Edward whipped around and glared at Jacob something fierce.

"Not. A. _Chance_." he snarled.

Jacob's shoulders sagged and he looked away. Edward turned back on his heel and stormed out, practically ripping the door off the hinges. Jacob stared at the door as it slammed, before coming down the rest of the stairs and collapsing heavily in the armchair across from me. He didn't acknowledge me right away. He just looked at the floor, shaking his head and sighing deeply.

I couldn't stop myself. I just felt compelled to say it.

"What a girl."

Jacob burst out laughing. Good, I thought he'd be mad.

He recovered after a while, wiping his eyes with the backs of his hands.

"Oh, man. He totally heard that," he said, still chuckling.

"I know." I smiled benignly at him. Whatever, I made fun of Edward like that _to his face_ all the time. Yeah, yeah, he would be pissed, but he'd get over it - he always did. "Must suck, being with a teenager. A lot of mood swings," I said, sympathetically.

He nodded. "Yeah, he has a tendency to be...angsty. And quick to jump to conclusions."

"Oh yeah, that's just Edward. But you guys, when you fight, you really go balls to the wall and then afterwards you're totally cool again. I don't know how you can do that. You guys are vicious."

"Oh...yeah." He chewed his lower lip. "Well, that's not Edward's fault. It's just kind of...strangely normal for us. We are natural enemies, after all."

Shit, he was right. I'd forgotten that they were in fact, not just _natural_, but _mortal_ enemies, built to kill one another. But they were so good together usually and it was easy to forget that fact.

Seeing the look of wonder on my face, Jacob smirked and continued, "We don't _want_ to fight, Emmett. We don't go looking for it. It just...the instinct to rip each other apart just flares up once in a while, and we fight the physical urge by using thoughts and words. You know, so we don't kill each other and regret it later." He shrugged and leaned back in his chair.

I still didn't say anything. I couldn't get over the fact that they even dealt with that kind of stress in order to stay together. It was, dare I say, romantic?

Jacob closed his eyes and smiled to himself. "But he always comes back."

Jacob was thoughtful for a moment before continuing, "He always leaves because he needs time to cool down and really think about what happened and realize he was wrong."

I snickered, "Oh, so you're always right?"

He looked at me and shrugged. "Usually. He overreacts." He shot me a grin.

I nodded in agreement and smiled back. "So, how long do you think till he comes back this time?"

Jacob shrugged and got up from his chair, stretching his limbs. "At least long enough for me to get some sleep. Night, Emmett."

"Night."

I watched him climb up the stairs, before focusing my eyes back on what was left of the movie. But I couldn't pay attention. All I could think about were mortal enemies and fatal love, like Romeo and Juliet.

Or like Chris Brown and Rhianna. Heh.

**A/N:** I know, it's really short. Sorry about that!


	8. Date Night Prep

**For **_**Rosie-LOL**_ - It's not exactly what you requested, but I hope you like it just the same :)

**Date Night Prep**

**Emmett POV**

It was date night tonight. What a joke. Once every few months, Rose insisted on going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant, then either seeing a movie or going out dancing. I didn't mind going out to the club, or going to see a new movie (although it was usually a chick flick), but I hated going to dinner. It was so much trouble, pretending to eat, hiding food in your napkin, discreetly dumping drinks into the nearest potted plant. Sometimes we were forced to eat anyway, and then we'd have to regurgitate it after we left. So not sexy, but I knew better than to try and fight it. Rose gets what Rose wants.

She always dressed in ridiculously hot clothes, which I loved. But so did every other male in sight. I always had to make sure I fed really well before we went out, otherwise my jealousy might cause the death of some of the more obvious gawkers. Tonight, thankfully, Rosie didn't want to go to dinner; she just wanted to go clubbing. _That_ I could handle. Men would eye-fuck her, but there was no way they would try to cut in when a big burly guy like me had her on his arm.

Rose was sitting at the vanity in our bedroom, applying her makeup and fixing her hair. She wore a slinky red mini dress that hugged her curves, and thigh-high red fishnet stockings, complete with stiletto pumps. It was going to be damn hard not to fuck her right there on the dance floor. For my part, I wore black leather pants and a tight black t-shirt that showed off my bulging muscles. I looked so hot. But I wanted to style up my hair - one of those perfectly mussed hair styles, like sex hair. Like Edward's hair. I sauntered into the adjoining bathroom to grab my hair gel. Shaking the bottle into the palm of my hand, I came up with nothing.

"Damn it! I'm all out of hair gel," I muttered to myself.

"Go check in Edward's bathroom," Rose suggested. "I'm sure they have some. Jake likes to spike up his hair when they go clubbing sometimes."

I hesitated for a moment. I didn't really like going into their room...I never knew what I was going to find in there. Rosalie must have sensed my wariness, because she said, "Don't worry babe. They're not in their room. Don't you hear the piano?"

I hadn't been paying attention, but now that she mentioned it, I did hear the notes coming from the upstairs music room. Edward was playing, and Jacob was up there too, being serenaded. Nodding at Rose, I told her I would be right back, and headed over to their room.

As I slid through their door, I heard some decidedly unmelodious notes coming from the music room. Wow, they're at it again! It was never ending with them. At least I could be confident that they wouldn't be coming down any time soon. Blocking out their sex noise as best as I could, I strolled into their bathroom.

Bingo! Right there on the counter by the sink was a tall see-through pump bottle. It wasn't marked, but it was clearly hair gel - the viscosity of the liquid was a dead giveaway. Since the boys were obviously busy, I decided to just style my hair in their bathroom. Otherwise, I would probably forget to bring the bottle back in here, and then I'd really hear it from Jake next time he needed the gel for himself.

I pumped out some gel into my hands and rubbed them together before threading my fingers through my locks, perfecting my look.

"Shit." Edward's frustrated swear wafted quietly down through the ceiling.

I heard Jacob respond, his voice strained, "Forget it. I don't need it."

Edward protested, "No way. I don't want to hurt you."

I didn't want to eavesdrop, but it was nearly impossible with vampire hearing, combined with the fact that the music room was directly above their bedroom. Their voices were so clear, it was like they were standing right next to me. I hurried to finish my hair, not wanting to hear much more.

"Come on baby, I want you right now!"

"I'll only be a second."

Suddenly, Edward appeared in the bathroom. I could see him standing right behind me in the mirror, naked. And he was hard as fuck. Quickly, I looked away. Goddamn it, didn't he know I was in here? I don't want to see that!

He didn't say anything to me. He just reached over and grabbed the hair gel, yelling loudly enough for Jacob to hear, "Got it!"

Jacob responded at normal volume, "Good. Now hurry up and fuck me!"

Edward smirked at my embarrassed reflection in the mirror. His eyes went to my slick hair, and his lips pressed together, like he was suppressing laughter.

"Did you use this on your hair?" he asked, indicating the bottle he now held.

"Yeah..."

He stopped trying to hold it in and laughed loudly before disappearing from the room just as quickly as he'd arrived.

I stood, dumbly staring at my reflection, wondering what was so funny. Did my hair look stupid? And why the fuck did he rush down here in the middle of sex to get a bottle of hair gel?

Edward was back upstairs by now, and he answered my thoughts indirectly, while speaking to his lover, "Lube me up, baby."

Oh, for the love of all that is holy! I had fucking _lube_ in my hair.

I studied myself in the mirror for a few moments, thinking I should probably wash it out. But my hair looked really great! Biting my lip, I decided to just leave it. Rosie would never know the difference...

**A/N:** This was a response to a reader request. If there is a funny situation you would like to see, I'd be happy to try and write it for you! It just might take me a while. I don't guarantee quick turn around time...


	9. Time Alone

**Time Alone**

**Emmett POV**

Absently, I pushed the joystick on my controller, scrolling through the queues, searching for something to watch on Netflix. Too bad I've pretty much seen everything. That's what happens when you have eternity and you don't need to sleep. Edward was sitting Indian-style on the floor, leaning with his back against the arm of the loveseat, doing the New York Times crossword puzzle. It was Sunday, so it was the most difficult puzzle of the week. Of course, he was killing it. Bastard.

It occurred to me that I hadn't seen the wolf in several hours. Usually those two were attached at the hip. _Hey, where's Jake hiding?_

Not looking up from his puzzle, Edward replied, "He went to the Rez for a few days to see his dad and the pack."

I felt my eyebrows knit together. "Without you?"

He let out a short, humorless laugh. "Well, I'm not exactly welcome on the Rez..."

Oh, I assumed that they would make an exception for the imprint of one of their own, even if he _was_ a vampire. _But I thought the pack was cool with you guys?_

Edward laid his pen down, looking slightly annoyed that I was interrupting his flow. "I wouldn't go that far. They accept the fact that we're together, but it doesn't mean they like it. Some are more accepting than others." He sighed, his face resigned. "Anyway, the treaty remains intact."

My brow creased further as I considered his situation. How shitty that they had to live like that, knowing that, in a lot of ways, their relationship was frowned upon.

Edward nodded solemnly. "Yeah, it's...inconvenient."

That's putting it lightly._ So Jake is going to be gone for days?_ He only nodded, returning his attention to the crossword. I don't know how Edward could stand to be apart from his mate for so long. In my whole existence, the longest I'd ever been away from Rosie was 24 hours, and I had missed her terribly. I remembered how my heart ached, knowing that she wasn't near enough to talk to, or hold if I wanted to. But here was my brother, lazily doing a crossword puzzle, seemingly without a second thought for Jacob. _Don't you miss him?_

Edward put down his puzzle and shrugged. "It's not that I don't miss him, but I kind of feel free, in a way." Geez, he was making it sound like Jacob was a ball and chain! Edward reacted to my speculations quickly, holding up his hands to stop that train of thought. "Don't get me wrong - I love Jake, and I love being around him - most of the time..."

He trailed off, seeming to get lost in his thoughts. God, I hated when he dragged out his explanations like this. Just spit it out already! He rolled his eyes dramatically, but continued seriously.

"Everybody needs to be alone sometimes. I do, Jacob does. You yourself are having time alone this very moment!" I nodded - Rose was out shopping with Alice.

"I just think that everyone needs time to themselves to just _be_. Not to have to consider another person's thoughts," he paused, looking up at me, "...or feelings, as the case may be."

I leaned back against the couch, considering what he was saying. He was right. Me and Rose actually spent a lot of time apart, but we spent an equal amount of time together, so I guess I never really noticed or minded. Our time apart and our time together was spread out evenly among the days, and that allowed us not to really miss each other too much. And while we did relish the time to ourselves, we never felt truly complete until we were together again. Maybe extended time away, like Edward and Jacob were having now, would do us some good. After all, some poet or something once said 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder.'

Edward nodded at my thoughts. "Indeed they did."

I smiled to myself in satisfaction. I felt like I had grown a little bit today. Not once during that conversation did I think about sex.

Edward smirked, his response droll.

"I'm very proud of you, Emmett. But, I'm sure it won't last."

_Prick._

"See? That was kind of sexual..."

Unthinkingly, I launched myself at him, successfully taking him by surprise and tackling him to the ground. We wrestled each other for a while, careful not to break too much furniture. Not once during our playful fighting did I think about him being gay. He was just my little brother - my brother who was oh-so-good at taking a noogie...

**A/N:** Kind of a fluffy one for you :)


	10. Paul's a Hater

**A/N: This one isn't a funny one, guys. I'll get back to humor next time :)**

**Paul's a Hater**

**Emmett POV**

Our big backyard was packed with werewolves. Every so often, Esme liked to invite Jacob's pack over for a barbeque, in an effort to bring our families closer together. For the most part, the wolves enjoyed themselves. After all, Esme had become a master chef since Jacob had come to live with us, and Carlisle wasn't half bad on the grill, from what I hear. I could get over the stench - a lot of the wolves were cool people, like Jake's friends Quil and Embry. Leah and Seth were pretty alright too.

There were, however, a few members of the pack that still didn't quite gel with us - namely, Paul and Jared. Currently, they were standing off to the side by themselves, sneering at the crowd and whispering to each other. Unfortunately, the competing voices from the rest of the group made it nearly impossible to hear what they were saying. I guess some dudes just couldn't be swayed by good grub.

Seth was talking to me about something, but I was distracted by those two guys, curious about what they were muttering about under their breath. I strained to hear them, but I only caught a stray word here and there - nothing that told me anything. I watched them as their snobby gazes landed on Edward. They were totally mad-dogging him. Glancing over at my brother, I noticed that he hadn't missed their attention. He was eyeing them cautiously, looking a little uncomfortable at whatever they were thinking. Jacob was oblivious, carrying on talking about whatever to his young packmate Brady. He asked a question of his mate, but Edward was too distracted to reply. When he didn't answer, Jacob turned to him and saw the look of discomfort on Edward's face.

"What's wrong, Ed?" I heard Jake ask through the cacophony of voices.

Edward didn't answer, nor did he look at Jacob. Jake followed Edward's eye-line, finally noticing Paul and Jared staring down his mate.

"Hey man, are you even listening to me?" Seth asked. I didn't answer - I was way too curious to see where this was going. Seth followed my gaze and muttered under his breath, "Shit."

Jake stormed over to them, Edward following closely behind, and demanded, "What the fuck is your problem, man?" His voice was loud and booming, commanding the attention of everybody in the yard.

"_Everything_ is my problem," Paul retorted, unphased by Jacob's aggression. "I'm fucking pissed that Sam made us come here. And where is he now?" He gestured towards the house. "Off with Emily, making nice with Mama and Papa Cullen," he sneered. Jacob crossed his arms indignantly as Paul continued to spew. "I can't believe I have to be here and put up with this stench, all because you're _buddy-buddy_ with the 'benevolent vampires'. I don't care how docile they are - they're still the enemy!"

I can't believe Paul would say these things when he was surrounded by vampires. The kid had balls. He certainly had our attention now though; we all stopped what we were doing to watch what was going down.

Jacob jumped to our defense. "No, Paul, they're not the enemy. They have never once threatened us. We were allies against the newborn army! Or have you conveniently forgotten about that?"

Paul huffed, "Well, that conflict is over now. There is absolutely no reason to be involved with them anymore. Except..." He trailed off, looking Edward up and down with disdain. "Except that you're _sleeping with one_," he snarled in disgust.

"Who I sleep with is not your concern," Jacob argued, wrapping an arm around Edward's waist to show Paul where his allegiance laid.

"Maybe not," Paul countered, "but it's unnatural, that's all I'm saying."

"Sure, sure, natural enemies, whatever," Jacob said, trying to brush him off.

Edward sighed heavily as Paul smirked. "He doesn't mean that, Jake."

"Oh no?" Jacob took in Edward's stoic expression before turning back to Paul, prodding him on the shoulder. "Then what _do_ you mean?"

Paul gave Jacob a pointed look that said don't-you-dare-touch-me-again. "It's unnatural for two guys to be together like that."

Several people gasped at Paul's blatant prejudice, including my wife. I felt my own anger beginning to build. What the fuck did he care what they did? One look at Jacob should tell him - if Paul didn't watch his big mouth, Jacob was going to hand him his ass on a silver platter. Edward's hands clenched into fists at his sides, and he could barely mask the rage, but he put forth a valiant effort not to attack the offensive Quileute. If it were me, I would have torn his fucking head off by now.

Jacob went on the defensive, his rage barely reined in as he taunted Paul. "Hmmm...last time I checked, homosexuality was pretty fucking rampant throughout history. Ever hear of Sparta?"

Paul rolled his eyes and waved his hand dismissively, undeterred by Jacob's escalating anger.

Jacob's pissed off expression grew smug. "If it's so unnatural, then why do guys have prostates?" Good one, bro.

Paul blanched. "Sick, dude. I don't want to think about what you guys do together. It makes me sick to my fucking stomach."

"Whatever, asshole. You're just jealous of my fuck-hot boyfriend."

Paul locked eyes with Edward for a long moment, not bothering to hide the disgust written all over his face. Edward stood his ground and stared back with equal disdain, hissing threateningly under his breath.

Paul puffed up his chest, pleased that whatever he was thinking was pissing Edward off. "What are you gonna do about it, _leech_?"

Jacob moved in front of Edward protectively, his body beginning to shake. "Paul, I don't care what you think about us, but if you don't stop thinking whatever you're thinking at my mate, we're going to have a big problem."

Paul's body was quaking with an intensity equal to Jacob's now.

"Ha! I'd like to see you _try_ to fuck with me, _faggot_!"

Oh, that did it. Edward quickly stepped away from Jake just before he burst into wolf form. Paul followed suit, knocking over Jared in the process.

All at once, everyone started shouting as the two massive wolves lunged for each other's throats. Fur flew and there was a jumble of limbs and teeth - they were brawling so fast, it was difficult for even vampire sight to keep track of who was who. Their vicious snarls dominated the nervous chatter of the onlookers. Edward was anxious, torn between rescuing his mate and letting him have his fight.

Suddenly, Sam burst out of the house, shouting, "Paul, Jacob, break it up! Now!"

Jacob was momentarily distracted by Sam's outburst, which allowed Paul to pin him to the ground. My own anger boiled over. No way was I gonna let Paul get the upper hand over my newest brother! Edward looked at me sharply and nodded.

I raced forward, grabbing Paul off of Jacob by the scruff and chucking him as far as I could (which was pretty damn far). A thunderous thud and a humiliated howl was heard in the distance. Satisfied by my handiwork, I dusted my hands off on my jeans. Everybody cheered. Jacob stood up and shook himself off, loping over to Edward, who petted his neck soothingly. Jacob looked at me and bowed his huge wolf head low to the ground.

"Jake says thank you," Edward said gratefully. "And so do I."

"Hey, no problem bro. No fucking bigot is going to mess with my family."

**A/N: **Fuck yeah, Emmett. Show them who's boss!


	11. Food Fetish

_**For Rat3000**_

**Food Fetish**

**Emmett POV**

It was an unusually hot summer day in Forks. Like record-breaking unusual - it was almost 100 degrees out there, sun blazing strong. Poor Jacob already had an elevated body temperature, so he needed to stay indoors where there was airconditioning. He didn't really seem to mind; he was watching wrestling on tv. Edward was draped against his side in an effort to cool him down further. As if he needed an excuse. They were always all over each other.

The rest of us guys were there with them. It was fun watching wrestling and all of us had grown to love it when it first started being shown on television. It was a bummer when news broke that the fights weren't actually real. But I didn't care that they were acting - they still put on a great show. Carlisle, Jasper and Edward agreed on that. Jacob watched in an attempt to learn some new moves. He hoped to one day beat me at wrestling - as if that would ever happen! I figured I'd let him have his fantasy though - it would make it even easier to trounce him if he was overly confident. Edward rolled his eyes at me, but I caught his amused smirk before he could squash it.

During the last commercial break, Jacob had mentioned he was hungry. Esme offered to make him something; he didn't know what he wanted to eat, so she was going to surprise him. Esme returned after a time with a tray that held ten hot dogs, resting in buns.

Jacob's eyes twinkled with delight. "Yay! Thanks, Esme!"

"You're welcome, dear. We're out of condiments, sorry. It's hard to remember the little things at the grocery store when you haven't eaten in decades," she replied, uttering a short laugh at herself.

Jacob looked at her sweetly. "That's okay, Esme. I like them plain too." He picked one off of the tray that rested on his lap. "At least you have buns!"

"Sure do," she said, playfully waggling her rear end. Carlisle smirked at his wife and mouthed, 'dirty girl,' his eyes twinkling. She blew him a kiss.

My brothers and I groaned and rolled our eyes. We always felt awkward when our 'parents' did shit like that. Jacob snorted with laughter and shook his head before diving into his meal. Esme sashayed back into the kitchen, and we all turned our attention to Jacob, the wrestling match forgotten.

The four of us watched the wolf, fascinated that he could consume food so fast. Nine hot dogs were gone in the span of about two minutes. Jacob reached for the last one, but he fumbled it. The tray went toppling, which Edward caught before it hit the ground, and he set it aside. Jacob was able to catch the meat, but he lost hold of the bun and it fell to the floor. He shrugged, apparently too lazy to pick it back up, and just began to eat the naked hot dog.

His hand wrapped around the pink, long, slender meat. He slid it between his lips and ran his tongue over the tip quickly, before taking a small bite, savoring that final hot dog, making it last. My eyes practically bugged out of my head. Christ, it looked like he was giving the damn thing a blow job. Yeah, his face looked innocent, but his mouth was doing dirty things. Embarrassed to be thinking those things about Jacob, I tore my eyes away and looked around to see the others' reactions.

Edward was blatantly staring, his eyes pitch black, his pants beginning to form a tent. I could swear I saw him drool a little. Jasper was shifting uncomfortably in his seat and Carlisle was biting his lower lip. Both of their eyes were also black as night, and they were practically boring holes into Jacob. I sighed internally in relief to see that I wasn't the only one affected by this - we _all _were. I bet my eyes were dark orbs too.

Jacob, for his part, was blissfully unaware of the effect he was having on the rest of us. Coming to the end of his hot dog, he pushed the last bit between his lips - the pink, puckered nub disappearing behind them. My cock jerked against my will. Fuck, why was I disappointed that it was over? I felt like I was getting a free fellatio show that got cut off early. Jasper groaned quietly beside me. Edward appeared frustrated, as did Carlisle. But Edward's face brightened as he thought of an idea.

"Still hungry, baby?" Edward purred in Jacob's ear.

Jacob rewarded his mate with a wide grin. "Always!"

"Wait right here."

Edward was gone and back in less than a minute with a bowl of ice cream in hand. Jacob's eyes lit up when Edward presented it to him.

"Vanilla, your favorite," Edward said, trying to mask the arousal in his voice, but doing a poor job of it.

If Jacob noticed how turned on Edward was, he didn't show it. "Thanks, hun!"

Edward threw a mischievous glance at the rest of us before turning back to watch Jake eat. I followed his gaze. After devouring a large scoop, Jacob licked the spoon with his long tongue, leaving streaks of white coating his pink, wet muscle.

Holy shit, it looked like cum. My cock was at full attention now. Oh, it was so fucking sick to be enjoying this so much. Chancing a look at the laps of the others, it was more than obvious I was not alone in being so turned on by this. _Thank god. _

A trickle of ice cream dribbled down Jake's tan chin and I just about died. It reminded me of Rosalie the other night. I had pumped her mouth so full of cum that it had leaked out of the corner a little. Jacob's chin looked exactly like hers did and, oh my god, I was so hard it was painful. Edward couldn't resist anymore; he leaned forward and licked the trickle right off, continuing on to capture his wolf's lips in a fiery kiss, which Jacob happily reciprocated.

Carlisle couldn't control the groan that slipped out of him. A look of embarrassment crossed his face briefly before he rose to his feet, muttering, "Gotta find Esme," and racing upstairs.

Jasper's eyes were about to pop out of his head. We shared a look of pained arousal mixed with a certain amount of shame. Then Jasper got up too, quickly heading for the stairs, calling for Alice.

I looked back at the couple on the couch.

Big mistake.

"ROSE!"

**A/N:** Thank you, Rat, for the plot bunny! I hope you liked what I did with it...


	12. Wet Dream

**Wet Dream**

**Emmett POV**

It was springtime and that meant it was time for organic gardening. Esme recruited Jasper and I every year to help her clear a spot in the yard for her plants. Gardening was a hobby of hers - she'd been doing it for decades. Even though we never ate the vegetables, she enjoyed tending to living things and watching them grow. So mom-esque. Of course, now that Jacob was around to eat the produce, she took greater care in actually fencing in the garden to keep out animals. That was our job today - building a perimeter of stone to enclose the area. I didn't mind physical labor - my body was suited for it, and it's not like I get tired. Besides, I liked making Esme happy whenever I could. Usually, I pissed her off, breaking shit during impromptu wrestling matches and such.

I looked over at Jacob - the freeloading bastard. He had pulled up a lawn chair to watch us work. When I told him he should be helping us (he was certainly strong enough after all), he had argued that we were faster than him, and he would only get in the way. Esme, of course, let him off the hook, like she always did. Instead of making him work, she got him an iced tea. What made him so special? Because he had a heartbeat?

Now, the iced tea sat half-drunk on the small patio table beside him. It was pretty hot for a spring day in Forks, and Jacob had fallen asleep in the warmth of the sun's rays. I hadn't noticed the temperature - my skin wasn't bothered by hot or cold air, and Jacob being shirtless meant absolutely nothing; he was always shirtless. But his caramel skin was coated with a sheen of sweat, so it must have been pretty warm today.

Jacob shifted in his chair and let out a little sigh. I was pulled from my thoughts when I felt a sudden immense weight land on my foot. Jasper had faltered and dropped a huge boulder on my foot. It didn't hurt, but it was annoying.

"Geez, man! Watch it!" I cried, careful not to curse and offend Esme.

"Sorry, Emm," Jasper replied. He sounded frazzled as he pushed a strand of hair out of his face. "Jacob's having a...dream." He glanced over at Jake and grimaced. His voice low, he said, "A sexy one, from the feel of it."

Jacob moaned softly and the air became heavy with the all-too-familiar scent of his arousal. Glancing at Esme, I saw that she didn't fail to notice. She cleared her throat out of habit, chancing a quick look over at the sweaty Quileute boy, before busying herself with the rock wall. She seemed a little embarrassed. I looked back at Jacob, and immediately knew why she would be blushing if she could. He was very obviously hard. Those little cutoff shorts didn't leave much to the imagination. Awkward.

I turned back to Jasper, whispering, "Should we wake him up?"

Before Jasper could answer, Esme said quietly, "No, let him have his dream."

Jasper sighed heavily. Obviously, he wanted Jacob to wake up. Now he was going to have to keep working through Jacob's lust, poor guy. We all turned our attention back to the task at hand. The three of us were more than halfway done with the perimeter, when we were distracted by Jacob's breath catching in his throat.

"Yeah, baby. Just like that," he murmured languidly.

All heads turned just in time to see Jacob palming himself over his pants. He moaned again, loudly this time, and shifted his position, slipping his hand underneath his waistband.

"Shit," I muttered under my breath.

Jasper echoed my words, squeezing his eyes shut against the torrent of emotions.

"Okay, wake him up now," Esme said, flustered.

"JACOB!" I shouted, not wanting the situation to get worse.

He woke with a start and looked around him, disoriented and dazed from his slumber. His eyes fell on us, standing there watching him with a mix of amusement and discomfort on our faces. Jacob's gaze lingered on Esme, and only then did he realize that his hand was still wrapped around his cock.

Jacob quickly snatched his hand away, blood rushing to his cheeks. Humiliation taking hold of him, he averted his eyes from us.

"S-sorry...I was...dreaming." Poor guy looked like he wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

Esme gave him a sincere smile and chuckled lightly.

"It's okay, honey. I wish I could still have dreams like that."

****

**A/N:** This little idea was swimming around in my brain and it just had to come out. Hope you like it :)


	13. Tanya's Visit

**A/N: **Not a really funny one this time, guys, sorry! I hope you like it all the same.

**Tanya's Visit**

**Emmett POV**

Tanya had come to Forks for a visit. It always ended up annoying me when she visited. Not because she wasn't a cool chick - she had really interesting stories that spanned a thousand years of world history. She slept with Charlamagne for Christ's sake. And she had a dry wit that meant we shared many a good laugh about one thing or another. It annoyed me because there would undoubtedly be some kind of confrontation or tension between her and my little brother.

Tanya had a giant crush on Edward. Ever since she first laid eyes on him - long before I joined the family. I couldn't tell you what she saw in him - he was no more beautiful than any other vampire. And even if he _was_ somehow more attractive than others, he looked so damn young. You'd think that would be a turn-_off_. Maybe Tanya was kind of a pedo.

Regardless of her reasons, it was more than clear that Edward had no interest in her. Even when he was completely alone, surrounded for decades by mated pairs, he paid her no mind. Maybe that was her reason - she couldn't wrap her mind around being rejected. Surely, no other man had ever turned her down. Perhaps she saw Edward as her own personal Mount Everest. Heh, _mount_.

Anyway, at the moment, Rosalie, Tanya and I were involved in a friendly game of MarioKart. Edward and Jacob were there too, watching us play this round, waiting to play winner in the next.

Tanya wasn't doing so well this time around, which was funny to me. Her brain had just as much capacity for many trains of thought as any of ours. She should have been able to play flawlessly, even if she was distracted by her desire for Edward and her curiosity toward Jacob. But her eyes kept flitting over to the pair seated on the couch, and soon enough, Yoshi's car veered off the road and toppled over itself.

"Damn it," she muttered, as I pumped a triumphant fist in the air.

I mugged at her, I formed an "L" with my thumb and forefinger and placed it against my forehead.

"Loooooser," I taunted, grinning.

"I'm distracted," she defended herself defiantly.

"Then STOP thinking about me and Jacob!"

All eyes landed on Edward. His body trembled with rage - he was in the midst of one of his trademark hissy fits. His amber eyes flashed in anger, and he crossed his arms over his chest indignantly. Jacob sat, his mouth slightly open in surprise at his mate's sudden outburst, his gaze flickering from Edward to Tanya and back again.

"Edward, calm down," Tanya replied, brushing him off. "I can't help it. It's just so...odd."

As if it were even possible, Edward's eyes grew even angrier and a growl rumbled in his chest.

"Why are you so judgmental? Why is _everyone_ so judgmental? I'm the same person I've always been. Being with Jacob didn't change who I am, and if it has, it's probably for the better! I'll finally happy - happier than I've ever been, and I don't want to hear you dumping all over it in your head," he frowned pointedly at Tanya, "or wondering about us so personally!" He turned his glare on me. I froze, my mind blanking out. He was calling _me_ out too?

Edward continued his tirade, but I was too mired in guilt to hear what he was saying. I never meant to make him feel bad, or insecure about being a homo. I loved him, he was my brother. I was just curious about it because it was so foreign to me, and damn it, I was always curious about sex, no matter who it involved. Edward glanced at me, his hard eyes softening. I smiled slightly, guessing that he had heard and hoping that he accepted my apology. He nodded slightly before turning hard eyes on Tanya. He had certainly not forgiven her.

"If you keep thinking about trying to worm your way between us again, I will personally eject you from this house."

With that, he was gone, up the stairs in a blur of fury, leaving a somewhat stunned Jacob sitting on the couch. We all just sat there for a minute, trying to take in what happened. It was surprising to me that Tanya would still be trying to plot out how she could have Edward for herself, although it probably shouldn't have been _that _surprising. She was a succubus, after all.

Jacob recovered first, and turned his focus to Tanya. She sat up straighter when she felt his eyes on her, and met his murderous gaze, unwavering.

"What were you thinking about, huh?" His voice was shaky, as he tried to control his phase.

"I don't know what you mean." I couldn't believe she could say that with a straight face.

"You don't know what I mean?" he asked, disbelief clouding his tone. "Edward just stormed off because of something you were thinking. What, am I not good enough for him? You think he should be with you?"

Tanya nodded. "Well, yes. In a nutshell."

"Well, he doesn't want you!" Jake cried. "He never did. How long have you tried to win him? Seventy years? Eighty? You have no claim to him. You may have known him longer than me, but we've been through shit that no one else has, and survived. Bella -"

"Yes, exactly!" Tanya interrupted, her own anger bubbling to the surface. "Bella is exactly my point. Edward isn't gay! And neither are you. You are just mourning the girl you both loved in an odd manifestation. It won't last. He likes women."

"You're right, we don't look at or fantasize about other men. All we want is each other, and it doesn't matter what fucking _parts_ we have."

Tanya was thoughtful for a moment. When she spoke again, her eyes shone with curiosity.

"Do you love him?"

Jacob's response was quick. "I love every single thing about him."

Tanya scoffed. "Right. Even the mind-reading?"

Jacob rolled his eyes. "That doesn't count. Nobody likes that, not even Edward."

Nobody argued - Jacob had a point there. Tanya placed her hands on her knees and leaned forward dramatically, a serious look on her pretty face.

"Would you fight me for him?"

Jacob did not reply verbally, but he stood up, puffing up his chest, ready to take on Tanya's challenge. The ancient vampire chuckled at his display.

"Tanya," Rosalie warned. "This is no joke. He will fight until one of you dies."

Tanya looked sharply at Rosalie before quirking an eyebrow at Jacob.

"Is this true? Would you fight to the death for him?"

Jacob stared into space for a moment, before turning his gaze back to Tanya. His eyes looked kind of sad.

"A life without Edward is no life at all. Not a life that_ I_ would want. If I lost the fight, but were still alive, I wouldn't want to go on. I'd stop phasing and mourn what I once had until I died. Edward is everything to me. I couldn't bear to lose him."

I suddenly felt real emotional. I was thankful I couldn't cry because, although I was moved by Jacob's little speech, it would be bad for my image to be caught crying about feelings. Tanya was no less affected. She bowed her head and was silent for some time. When she looked up at Jacob again, her face wore an expression of deference.

"Alright. I concede. I won't try to get between the two of you anymore."

Satisfied with her response, Jacob nodded curtly, before heading swiftly up the stairs to find his mate. Tanya made a lame excuse to leave, saying she was thirsty, even though she had hunted with us only hours before. I guess she just wanted to get out of here for a while.

For my part, I felt like I had learned something today, in regards to Jacob and Edward. I'd been objectifying them, without realizing it. My constant personal questions were seen as a form of discrimination, not just fun-loving oafish Emmett-isms. They didn't want their sex life dissected, and I realized that I had been doing just that. They just wanted to live a normal life...as normal as life can be when one is a vampire and one is a wolf.

I vowed right then and there that I would try to be less inappropriate around them.

**A/N:** Don't worry, folks - he said he'd _try_. Doesn't mean he'll succeed!


	14. Unwelcome Images

**Unwelcome Images**

**Emmett POV**

I pressed forward, despite the dirt that was pelting me in the face. Stuff like that made no difference to me, but Leah was struggling to push through the debris that was being kicked up by Edward's way-too-fast feet. Edward, Jacob, Leah and I were racing. Nobody ever beats Edward; I knew that much. But Jacob could be beaten for sure, and Leah and I were banded together in our quest to outrun him.

Glancing over his shoulder, Edward eyed Jacob with a devilish grin, and then he was gone. It never ceased to amaze me when he disappeared like that—he always fooled me into believing he was going at top speed. Jacob found a burst of energy within him, and he raced off after his mate, leaving us in the dust. No freakin' way they were getting away from us! I pumped my legs faster to the point where I felt like I was flying. Damned if a wolf was going to beat a vampire!

Suddenly, Leah was no longer beside me. With a frustrated whine, she veered off the course and swiftly ducked behind a bush. I had too much momentum to stop, so I ran on, hearing the unmistakable pop of her return to human form, followed by the rustling of clothing. Torn between catching the boys and checking up on the girl, I decided to see what Leah's problem was. I doubled back on the mile I had run beyond her and reached her side in seconds.

"Aww, why'd you phase? We gotta catch them!"

She sneered, crossing her arms over her chest. "Trust me, you don't want to find them right now."

My brow furrowed and I cocked my head to the side. "Why not?" Leah loved any chance to take down her Alpha—how could she pass up this opportunity?

She rolled her eyes like I was the dumbest person on earth. "They aren't racing anymore, k? Just trust me...they've completely forgotten about us. Let's just head back."

Forgotten us? Not possible...I mean, they knew we were racing with them, side by side. How could they forget? Leah seemed to sense my confusion, and her shoulders sagged a little in frustration.

"Look, you know I have a mental link with Jacob when we're both wolves," she began. I nodded; in truth, I had forgotten about that.

She sighed, continuing on, "Well, he's not thinking about racing anymore. He's thinking about pounding Edward's ass."

Oh shit. "And Edward knows it. So, that means game over for us."

I was in full racing mode now. I wasn't ready to stop. "Aw, it doesn't have to be! We could still race each other..."

Leah shook her head vehemently and tapped her temple with one finger. "Mental link, remember? I don't want to see Edward's ass get reamed. It's bad enough I have to see it in Jake's memory - I don't want to watch as it happens too."

I started laughing so hard I had to clutch my stomach. "So, no free show for you?"

"Fuck you and your free show!" she retorted, waving her hand dismissively. "Listen, I don't care where Jacob wants to stick his dick, but I never asked to see it." She ran a hand through her unkempt hair. "I've seen way too much at this point. And gay sex doesn't do it for me - especially not with a fucking leech..." She glanced at me with an apologetic expression before turning her gaze downcast. "Sorry."

"It's okay, I'm not offended."

We stood there in silence for a few minutes; me wondering what she must have seen, she trying to forget. What the hell, I'd promised myself not to bug _them_ with too many questions, but I never promised not to bug _Leah_...

"So...what have you seen?" I asked, suggestively waggling my eyebrows.

She quirked a brow at me. "You really want to know?" I nodded vigorously.

"But...isn't he your brother?" she asked, chewing her lower lip.

I rolled my eyes. "Not actually."

She shrugged. "Okay, whatever. I only see things through Jacob's eyes. So, I know every inch of Edward, even though I've never _actually_ seen him naked." My eyes widened. I wonder if Edward knew that. "Let's put it this way. If Edward was standing in a police line-up where you could only see their dicks, I could pick his out."

I guffawed loudly at the analogy. "Oh shit, Leah, that is fucking hilarious."

She cracked a wry smile. "I'm not the only one. The whole pack could pick him out too."

"Jesus, Edward would have a heart attack if he knew..." Obviously, he couldn't really have a heart attack, but she got the point.

"I think he _does_ know...it's hard not to think about what we've seen in Jake's mind when he's around. But, I don't think he cares."

"So funny. Edward used to be so reserved. A few years ago, he would be absolutely mortified by that." I snickered at the long-lost innocence of my little brother.

"Well, I guess Jake loosened him up...in more ways than one." It was her turn to guffaw loudly.

I pressed her for more information. This was my chance! It was now or never. "So...is it big?"

"Gross, dude!" She play-punched my shoulder. "Why do you care? He's your brother!"

"Like I said, he's not really my brother. And he's a pip-squeak. He's only seventeen, ya know? I'm just wondering if he's mature enough in that area," I explained, struggling to stifle my grin.

Leah mirrored my reaction, but she lost the battle to hide her smile. "Luckily for him, he's endowed. He's not huge - more long than wide. But it's...proportionate."

I nodded. Well, good for you, little bro. Playfully, I prodded her shoulder. Maybe a little too hard, because she nearly lost her footing. "Must be pretty hot—like watching a porn!"

She poked me back, and I pretended to falter. "A porn where you only see one of the actors, I guess." A faraway look came into her eyes as she recalled the unwelcome images. "But yeah, I can see him writhing, hear the moaning...I can even almost feel it through Jacob's memories. Quite pornographic, really." She shuddered; whether in disgust or delight, I couldn't tell.

"That's gotta be a turn on," I pressed, urging her to confess.

But wry little Leah knew my game, and she wasn't going to give me the pleasure of knowing whether she actually liked it deep down. "Edward's not really my type. I'm more of a brawn and muscles kind of girl. But I can see where he's hot - lean, like a swimmer."

Now for the big question in my mind that was irked me. "So, Ed must be the bottom, if that's what you always see."

Leah shook her head slightly. "It's not. Sometimes I see him from above. But Jake likes to think of him below, mostly." Alright, alright. I guess they actually were versatile. I never believed it until know, but I guess it made sense. Edward _was_ a man after all. And men need to get their dicks wet sometimes.

"Can we be done now?" Leah sighed in annoyance. "I really don't want to think about it anymore. It's bad enough that I'll have to relive this little adventure next time we phase together—I'd rather not think about it when I don't have to..."

Alright, Leah, I'll give you a break. "Cool. Sorry."

She shot me a smile of understanding. "It's alright man, I get it. It's a curious thing—Edward and Jacob together."

Couldn't have said it better myself.


	15. Jas, You Been Holdin' Out on Me

**Jas, You Been Holdin' Out on Me**

**Emmett POV**

They were at it again. We could hear them clearly. Every little whimper and moan. Man, I hated feeling like I had to leave when they did that—it was my house too, damn it!

Jasper, as usual, was standing there in a blissed out trance, head tilted upward, eyes closed, _feeling _what they felt. I tried not to let it bother me—Jasper couldn't help it—but I began to get annoyed.

"Geez, Jas, if you like it so much, why don't _you_ go be with a man?" I was only half-joking.

He opened his eyes and turned his head to look at me, but the rest of his body didn't move a muscle.

"I have."

I was so surprised that I stumbled backward a little. I felt like I was hit in the chest by a Taser or something. "What?" I squeaked.

He turned fully to face me and stood more casually. I guess I had broken the Edward/Jacob sex spell.

"When I was in Maria's army. Just...one day, something happened with this guy. It wasn't planned or anything." He shrugged.

I began to feel kind of insulted. "Why didn't you tell me?" He told me everything; we weren't just brothers, we were best buds!

Jasper sighed. "I haven't told anyone. Only Alice knows...and Edward, inadvertently."

"Of course," I said, rolling my eyes.

Jasper snickered. "Besides, I really didn't think you'd want to know that about me. Like maybe it would change your perception of me. And I like our relationship; I didn't want it to change because of something that happened once 100 years ago."

I shook my head, a serious look on my face. "It doesn't change anything, Jas. So you experimented. Big deal."

He cocked an eyebrow. "Well, _you've_ never experimented, so I thought you'd be judgemental about it."

I crossed my arms. "Well, I wouldn't." I was still kind of insulted that he didn't tell me, so I tried to make him squirm a little.

"So, you've been fucked then?"

Jasper shook his head instantly. "No, no. I wasn't the receiver. I was the 'facilitator', you might say." He chuckled.

Well, that was a little more believable. "Did you like it?"

"Fuck yeah! The ass is so fucking tight." He gestured like he was squeezing an imaginary ass in front of him, pretending to grope and spank it. Yeah, I could get into that; Rosalie's ass was fucking tight too. "And there's nothing like a hard cock rubbing against your abs." Well, _that_ I could _not_ relate to.

I decided to concede this one, because it did sound pretty hot. Except for the cock part. "Ok, I can see how that could be good I guess, but I still don't get why a dude would want some thick cock stuck up their ass."

"The guy I was with fucking loved it. He came before I did." He looked at me like this was the most normal thing to say in the world.

I just stared at him open-mouthed, so he went on. "It seems that there's this one tiny nub hidden up in there in every dude, and when it gets jabbed..." He trailed off and was lost in thought for a moment. He shook his head. "It can't be described. You just have to know what it feels like for yourself."

I shot him a pointed look. "You sound like you know."

Jasper shrugged and smiled slightly to himself. "I was curious after experiencing my partner's pleasure vicariously. Alice has indulged my curiosity."

Whoa. Just whoa. TMI.

"Anyway, it feels fucking amazing, and I feel it from Edward all the time now. It was hell for me for a long time, living with him. I love him, he's my brother. But God, I hated him for a while for being so miserable all the time. But he hasn't felt any of that since he took up with Jake. It's been all good. So, I'll take getting off vicariously from Edward over being depressed all the time any day."

I laughed, and steered the conversation back a few paces. "So...Alice stuck a giant dildo in your ass?"

It was Jasper's turn to laugh. "No, the one we used was pretty thin. It felt good, but weird mostly, except for when she hit that right spot. Then I was seeing stars and screaming for the Holy Mother!"

We both had a good, belly-clutching laugh at that.

When he recovered a little, Jasper went on, "But Edward's feeling that sensation the whole time. When Alice does it, I only feel it a few times when she hits the mark dead-on. I think when it's a real cock, or a bigger dildo, the girth and weight of it would provide a near constant friction with every thrust. A thin little dildo just wouldn't do that. But I'm not comfortable going bigger just yet."

I shook my head fiercely. "No, no, gotta start out small."

He smiled slightly, recognizing my feeble attempt at masking my interest. "It's not specifically a gay thing you know, it's a_ gu_y thing. All men have a prostate, and it's okay to play with it."

A little shyly, I asked, "You think Rosie would be into it?"

Jasper nodded emphatically. "I do."

_Well, shit..._

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

**A/N:** Sorry for not answering reviews for the last chapter, thank you all for your thoughts. I had a tough couple of weeks, but it seems to be calming down, so that shouldn't happen again :)


	16. Can't Unsee That

**Can't Unsee That**

**SO-LONG-LOVE request**

**Warning: It's pretty dirty!**

**Emmett POV**

I was bored out of my skull. Everyone was gone—I had the house to myself. It was rare that I was ever completely alone, and normally I might relish the time to myself. But Jasper's words from the other day kept rolling through my head. All that talk about prostates and how awesome it was to have one kept creeping its way into my consciousness. I was admittedly quite curious, but I was also nervous to ask for Rosalie's help. I didn't want her to think I wasn't manly or something. But Jasper had spoken so highly of it…I had to stop thinking about this or it was going to drive me crazy. But no one was here to distract me. Carlisle was working, as usual. The girls were on some godforsaken shopping trip, and Jas had gone to the library to find some philosophy books—yawn. I remembered then that Edward and Jacob had mentioned going hunting. That was better than nothing, so I headed out to find them. There was never any harm in slaking my thirst after all, and I really had to distract myself from my wondering.

I caught the trail of their scents quickly enough and rushed through the forest, hoping to catch up to them before they made a kill and came back home. As I ran, their scents became more potent, mixed with the enticing aroma of fresh blood. Jake must have mauled something because there was no way Edward would have let one drop go to waste from his own kill. Their scents grew steadily thicker as I raced onward—it was kind of heady. The flavor of it reminded me of how they smelled when they were getting busy in their bedroom, but I attributed it to the bloodlust—the smell and taste of blood often aroused us a little bit. In fact, I was getting a semi from the aroma of the spilled blood from Jake's kill.

I heard some rustling up ahead and I rushed forward, preparing to surprise them…well, surprise Jacob at least—you can't surprise a mind reader. I reached a break in the trees and stopped dead in my tracks at the scene before me. Two dead deer—one drained, the other mauled—lay discarded near an extremely indisposed Edward and Jacob. Yup, they were butt-ass naked and in the middle of fucking…and they were totally oblivious to my presence. How did Edward not hear me coming? One look at his face gave me my answer—he looked completely lost, wrapped up in what Jacob was doing to him. I knew that when I was with Rosie like that, I rarely knew or cared what else was going on around me. I could only assume that was why Edward hadn't noticed me approaching. I wanted to tear my eyes away, but I couldn't. It was like a train wreck or a car accident—I just couldn't _not_ look.

Twigs and dead leaves were stuck in Edward's wild hair as he writhed against the forest floor. Jacob was gripped his slim hips tightly as he pummeled into him with a force that would surely be painful for a human. But Edward did not appear to be in any kind of pain—no, he was loving it, judging from the sounds he was making. Edward's legs were wrapped around Jacob's waist, and he was scratching up Jake's back something awful, leaving bloody trails in the wake of his fingernails. Jacob wasn't deterred by that though—if anything, it only drove him to push harder, his tanned ass muscles contracting and releasing with every thrust. The scratches healed up quickly, only to be replaced by new ones. I couldn't help the stirring I felt in my pants at the sight of his blood running down his russet back, dripping down to the crack of his sculpted ass. Damn.

Jacob leaned forward to capture Edward's lips with his own and they kissed frantically, grunting and moaning into each other's mouths. Jacob then lifted Edward's hips off the ground, and started pounding him hard and fast. This new angle must have touched that spot Jasper mentioned, because Edward's head fell back and he moaned so wantonly that several birds screeched and flew away from the treetops. Words tumbled from Edward's lips that I couldn't completely make sense of, save for an "oh god" here and there. Jacob's face was contorted in an expression that might be mistaken for pain if I didn't know better. From my vantage point, I could clearly see Jacob's huge fucking cock sliding in and out of Edward's tiny hole, which was stretched taut around him. The sight of it made me shiver—seriously, how could that _not_ hurt?

I didn't get a lot of time to reflect on that as I watched Jacob's hand ghost down Edward's torso toward his lap. Edward's legs lost their grip around Jake's waist and his thighs fell open as Jacob wrapped his hand around his mate's engorged cock. Well, _that_ sight put my suspicions to rest—Edward _was_ definitely an adult where it counted. Jacob pumped his cock furiously and it wasn't long before Edward came with a cry, painting his stomach and Jake's chest white with his release. I could see Edward's ass muscles clench tightly around Jake's fat cock, and the wolf's thrusts became erratic before he climaxed with a low growl, collapsing on top of Edward in exhaustion, smearing Edward's cum between them.

Wow. I had never actually seen anybody fuck before. I mean, sure, I've watched a lot of porn. But I'd never seen gay porn. And I'd never seen two people having sex right in front of my eyes. It was actually kind of hot—my semi had grown to full mast, I noticed. Hmmm…what did that say about me? I decided not to focus on the implications of that.

Knowing I should probably get the hell out of there, I glanced over at the recovering pair, only to find Edward looking in my direction, his eyes narrowed as he listened to my thoughts. He couldn't see me—I was still hidden in the brush—but he knew I was there and that I had seen it all. _Shit._ I had to get the fuck out of there before he came to kill me, but my feet felt frozen in place in my horror at being discovered. Jacob started snoring and I saw Edward's furrowed brow soften. He smiled slightly as he stroked the sleeping wolf's hair, placing a light kiss to the top of his head before wrapping Jacob in his arms and closing his eyes in mock slumber.

It appeared that Edward was going to ignore me and let me off the hook. I took the opportunity to turn and hightail it back to the house. I couldn't help but wonder as I ran—why hadn't Edward torn my head off for my blatant intrusion on their privacy? Maybe he thought this would stop my constant questioning, or perhaps he knew that I had gotten kind of turned on by it.

Whatever his reason, I considered myself lucky that he decided not to attack me. I only hoped he wouldn't tell Jake that I had been there. I think it would have gone differently if he'd been the one to find me out.

Now I had to take care of this raging hard-on in my pants.

_Think of Rosalie. Think of ROSALIE…_


	17. Vampire Hickey

**Vampire Hickey**

**Emmett POV**

Although Edward was aware of my accidental peep-show, he had decided not to tell Jacob about it. For that, I was grateful—Jake would probably never be able to even look at me again, let alone sit here playing checkers. Edward was none too happy, on the other hand, and he was barely speaking to me. I get it…I really shouldnt have stayed and watched the whole thing, but I just couldn't look away…like a five car pileup on the highway—you just _have_ to look. And every time I was in the same room with him now, I couldn't keep the memory of Edward's pale ass getting reamed from creeping into my mind. I wasn't too worried though. Edward had been mad at me before. He would get over it—it was only a matter of time.

I was totally killing Jacob at checkers. I mean, I did have decades of practice against pretty intense players. He had nothing on Jasper or Carlisle. I grinned wide as I skipped my black piece over three of his red ones to get to his back row.

"King me!" I shouted happily.

Frustrated, Jacob ran a hand through his hair. "Cheater," he accused, as he reluctantly placed a black chip on top of my king.

I guffawed at his ridiculous claim. "Oh please! I don't need to cheat. I've been playing this game going on sixty five years! I know all the moves there are to know."

"So unfair," he muttered, taking one of my black pieces with his red one. Jacob began fiddling with the collar of his turtleneck. Why a hot-blooded wolf like him would ever wear a turtleneck was beyond me. I made a move that killed two more of his guys, and he yanked at the collar more insistently. He went to take it off, grabbing the shirt by the hem.

"What's the matter, Jakie? Can't take the heat?" I teased.

"Hardy-har, Emmett," he said, rolling his eyes. "No, this shirt is just mad itchy."

He pulled the turtleneck up over his head and tossed it aside, revealing a crescent shaped bruise on his neck, near his collarbone. Considering his advanced healing abilities, it was obviously a recent bite mark. I couldn't let this slide—I just _had_ to say something.

"Whoa, dude. Edward feeds from you?"

Jacob opened and closed his mouth a few times in surprise. He looked away, shifting in his seat with discomfort. He was probably wishing he never took that turtleneck off. Alice and Jasper both lowered their books and looked on with interest.

"Er…sometimes. I mean, there are…certain times that he does." He kept his eyes averted from mine, and a deep blush rushed to his cheeks. God, it was so fun to pull his chain.

I couldn't resist. "So…only when he tops?"

Jacob looked like he might die from embarrassment.

"Emmett!" Alice chastised.

I was about to apologize, when Jacob actually responded, heaving a sigh.

"It's alright, Alice, since he already guessed…" He paused for a moment, searching for the right words. "He doesn't always. I, uh—I have to…I have to want it."

I said nothing, but raised an eyebrow, urging him silently to continue.

"…It's kind of an agreement we have. He would never just do it—I have to _allow_ him to."

"That seems reasonable," Alice chimed in.

"That's real kind of you, Jacob," Jasper added. "There's nothing like feeding and fucking at the same time."

Alice turned to face Jasper with a suspicious look. "You've done that?"

"No, baby," he placated her. "But I imagine it would be pretty awesome."

"Fuck yeah!" I cried, Alice murmuring her agreement too.

Leaning over, I clapped Jacob on the shoulder. "You're a good mate, Jake, you know that?"

Jacob shrugged me off, still embarrassed by the conversation. "Well, it's not like I only do it for _his_ benefit."

Oh-ho-ho! I was not expecting that. "You like it?"

Jacob bit his lip, stifling a small smile. His gaze flitted toward the doorway behind me.

"It's sensual," said a smooth, velvet voice that I knew all-too-well.

All heads turned to see Edward leaning against the banister with a smirk. He quickly rearranged his features to look disappointed in us.

"Stop embarrassing my mate," he warned, as he flashed over to Jacob's side. Taking Jacob's hand in his, Edward pulled the wolf to his feet and led him up to their room, away from our questions.

"Hey!" I shouted after them. "We have a game to finish here!"


	18. Rebirthday

**A/N: **Oh my God, I know, it's been so long since I've updated this! This addition is pretty short, but I didn't want you all to think I've abandoned this series. I promise, I haven't—I've just been tied up finishing my multi-chapter story, submitting a one-shot to a contest, and participating in PTB's Smut University. So, I haven't had a lot of time for Emmett. I'm nearing the end of Consequence of Heat though, so I'll be updating this more frequently soon.

**Rebirthday**

**Emmett POV**

It was my rebirthday today—the anniversary of the day that my angel found me in the woods, torn to shreds by that damned bear, and rushed me home to be transformed into a vampire. As a rule, we usually didn't celebrate birth or rebirth days in our family. Most of us didn't want to remember our change, and in the grand scheme of things, where time really meant nothing to us, it was just another day. But Rosalie always insisted on celebrating mine, saying that it was the day her existence changed for the better. My sweet girl—underneath that biting exterior, she was a real softie.

Rosalie and I were in our bedroom, preparing for a night on the town. She had a whole evening planned; first we were going to see the new Steven Seagal movie (I was a sucker for martial arts flicks, even if Seagal was a shitty actor), and then we would go out dancing, followed by an epic bear hunt in the wilderness of Canada. Undoubtedly, the hunt would end in wild passionate sex—I couldn't freakin' wait.

Just as we were finishing getting ready, I smelled Edward and Jacob coming down the hall. Rosalie and I both turned to face the door, just as their faces appeared in the entryway. Jacob knocked on the open door unnecessarily. Edward stood next to him, holding a plain brown box and smiling in a conspiratorial way.

"Happy Rebirth Day!" Jacob said happily. "Can we come in?"

"Sure," Rosalie said, looking a little put out. She wanted to get our evening started.

"Don't worry, rose. We'll only be a minute," Edward said soothingly.

She sighed and crossed her arms as the boys stepped inside and Jacob closed the door behind them. I raised an eyebrow and glanced back and forth between them, confused. Why close the door? Anyone in the house could hear our conversation if they wanted to anyway.

Edward shrugged at my thought and held out the package. "We got you something."

I stepped forward to accept the gift from him, shared a what-the-fuck look with Rosalie. She shrugged and nodded at the box in my hands, urging me wordlessly to open it. I eyed Edward suspiciously, turning the nondescript brown box over in my hands. There were no markings on it whatsoever. It looked like any other small, plain packing box.

"You never bought me anything for my rebirthday before..."

Edward smiled innocently. "There's a first time for everything, I guess."

My eyes narrowed as I tried to figure out his motive for getting me a present.

"Well, are you going to open it or not?" he prodded me, getting impatient.

I shook the box experimentally. Whatever was in there wasn't heavy, but it was solid, and it thudded inside the package. Unable to figure it out, I finally gave in and tore the package open. The suspense too great and my curiosity got the better of me.

Inside was a big, purple cock with black leather straps attached to it. I gasped at the sight. That was definitely NOT what I expected to see. Rosalie glided over to my side and peered into the box, no doubt wondering what had me wide-eyed and speechless. One look inside and she started to laugh, clamping a hand over her pretty mouth to stifle her tittering.

This was so not funny. "What the fuck is this?" I demanded, glaring at the two boys who could barely contain their own laughter.

Jacob grinned at my discomfort. "Well, since you ask so many questions, we thought you'd like to find out for yourself."

I swallowed hard. Did they intend to use this on me?

"You want to fuck me now?" I squeaked.

Jake rolled his eyes dramatically and blanched at my question. "No, dude! It's a _strap-on_!"

"He wouldn't need a strap-on to fuck you," Edward chimed in. "This way, _Rosalie_ can fuck you, and you can find out what you've been missing for all this time."

"Oooo, that could be interesting…" Rosalie chuckled darkly, quirking an eyebrow at the device still inside the box.

Of course Rosalie would say that. It wasn't too out of character for her to want to dominate me. We'd done a lot of crazy things in the bedroom before. But never that. I'll admit, my curiosity was piqued when Jasper informed me about the joys of the prostate, and I was even more curious after seeing Jacob pound Edward in the woods. But I wasn't ready to actually try it for myself.

Rosalie noticed my nervousness as I eyed the purple rubber cock that was only a little bit smaller than my own. She snaked an arm around my waist and squeezed my side affectionately.

"Don't worry baby. We don't have to do anything you don't want to. It was just a joke anyway."

My eyes flitted over to Edward and Jacob, both of whom were smirking smugly at me. Fucking assholes, putting ideas in Rosie's head like that. Edward's smirk briefly turned into a glare, and I knew then what this was—his revenge on me for watching them.

_Well played, little brother. Well played._

"We'll leave you to your evening now," Edward said, putting his arm around his snickering mate and leading him out of our room.

As soon as they were gone, I flung the offending package onto the bed. Rosalie took pity on my anxiety, wrapping me in her soft embrace.

"Come on, baby, just forget it," she cooed. "I wouldn't know what to do with that thing anyway."

Breathing a sigh of relief, I returned her embrace. Thank God she wasn't going to push the issue.

"Let's go," she continued, tugging me toward the door. "We have a busy night ahead of us."

Yeah, a busy night that did NOT include taking it up the ass. Nice try, pricks.

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><p><strong>AN: **Can you see where I'm heading with this? Hahaha.


	19. Clubbing, Part 1

_**Hey there! I know, it's been a while. This series is coming to an end, I'm sorry to say. I'm just not coming up with new ideas. There will be three more planned updates to this story. **_

_**After that, I will be submitting the final chapter to the Toys4Tots Christmas Wishes compilation. For just a $5 donation, you will get a huge compilation of one-shots, outtakes and futuretakes from a lot of wonderful authors. And the money goes to an excellent cause. My entry will be the one we have all been waiting for: Emmett Finally "Gets It"! Once I am free to do so, I will post it to the end of this series as well, but please donate to receive it on Christmas Day!**_

_**christmaswishescompilation DOT blogspot DOT com**_

_**This update is one that I have wanted to write for a long time - Jacob and Edward take Emmett to a gay club. It's really long, so I split it into 2 parts. I added some hints of the USA version of Queer as Folk, since I love it so much. But don't worry, you don't have to know QaF to enjoy this, but if you are familiar with the show, you will find small references to it here and there. Enjoy!**_

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><p><strong>Clubbing, Part 1<strong>

**Emmett POV**

What the fuck was I thinking when I agreed to come here?

Oh yeah, I remember now. My stupid prick of a brother had to go and get me a strap-on for my rebirthday. And now Rosalie was getting more and more interested in trying it out. Fuck me. Or don't, I mean.

Anyway, I had to get out of the house for a while, since Rose was in a particularly experimental kind of mood. Luckily, Edward and Jacob were going clubbing tonight. Sure, it was to a gay club, but I had to get out of the house and they agreed to take me along. Thankfully, Jasper decided to come with as my "date" to scare away any potential suitors.

So, there I was, all dolled up in a ridiculously long line full of colorfully dressed twinks and burly dudes in leather, waiting to get into the hottest gay club in Seattle. The neon sign buzzed in the crisp October air—I could hear it even over the thumpa-thumpa beat that crept through the concrete walls and bled into the street.

Club Babylon, the sign read.

The club boys were excited to get in, their teeth chattering in the cool night breeze, made worse by their skimpy clothes. God forbid they wear a coat—so not sexy. I laughed to myself as Edward smirked beside me. Frowning, I playfully narrowed my eyes at him.

_It's YOUR fault I'm here._

Edward put up his hands defensively as he retorted, "It was Jake's idea, not mine."

"To come to the club, maybe." _Not to buy me the strap-on!_

Edward pretended not to hear my thoughts, but I caught the little smirk that played across his lips. Asshole.

"Aw, what are you so worried about, Em?" Jas asked. "Nobody's gonna try anything on you—they'd have to get through me first!"

"Oh please," Jacob quipped. "The first dude that flirts with you will have you leaving Emmett to fend for himself, guaranteed!"

Jasper laughed along at Jake's good-natured jab, but it made me kind of nervous. I ducked my face close to Jasper's ear. "You won't really leave me, right?"

Jasper just shook his head, patting my arm like he was placating a child. Or a dog.

_Okay, Emmett, get a grip. You'll be fine._

By that time, we had finally reached the front of the line. The bouncer didn't ask us for our IDs and just ushered us past him. That is, until he saw Edward. My brother sighed quietly as the bouncer quirked an eyebrow disbelievingly, looking Edward up and down. "Aren't you a little young to be here?"

"Everyone says that." Edward replied, digging his very fake ID out of his back pocket and handing it over.

The bouncer examined it thoroughly before giving it back. "Twenty-three, huh? I'm not really convinced, kid, but you're a perfect little twink, so I'll let you by tonight. You're definitely gonna get laid."

"Yeah," Jake said, tightening his arm around Ed's waist possessively. "By ME."

Minor crisis averted, we headed inside. It was dark in there, the only light coming from the strobe machine every few seconds, illuminating pieces of the room in flashes. Thankfully, I could see in the dark just fine, but if I was a human, I just might have an epileptic seizure. The dance music was so loud that the walls vibrated, and humans tried to talk over it by shouting in one another's ears. But that was just by the bar. Over on the dance floor, no one was trying to talk, they were just trying to get laid. All I could see was a sea of half-naked male bodies, writhing and jumping and gyrating to the music. A lot of them humped each other. The whole place reeked like sweat, booze and sex.

Edward and Jacob wasted no time joining those bodies on the dance floor, blending right in with the men who were nearly fucking each other, shedding the flimsy shirts they'd brought with them to "keep warm in line." I met Jasper's gaze and he shook his head, rolling his eyes and laughing at the antics of the boys. He nodded toward the bar.

"Let's get some drinks...try to blend in."

We did just that, getting a couple of beers, leaning our backs against the bar and pretending to drink as we people-watched. I gotta say, there was some interesting guys to be seen out there. We could have heard one another if we had a conversation, but a normal human would not be able to carry a conversation in this noise, so we stayed silent. Instead, we watched as hot guys tried to score a dance with other hot guys, keeping a tally of rejections versus acceptances. It was certainly better than watching Edward and Jacob grind the shit out of each other.

Eventually, I took my eyes off of the dance floor and started to scan the balcony above. The balcony completely surrounded the floor, so, while I couldn't see the side that I was standing on, I had a decent view of the other three sides. There were a lot of couples, making out and groping each other in various states of undress. I actually spotted my brother and the wolf up there, but quickly looked to the opposite side—I really didn't want any more glimpses of their sexcapades.

On that opposite balcony was a tall, dark, handsome dude. He looked like he could be straight, if not for his unbuttoned silk shirt and black leather pants. His smoldering eyes just oozed cocky confidence. And he was staring straight at me. Fear rushed through me and my spine tingled, until I realized that, no, it wasn't me this dude was eye-fucking. It was Jas.

I elbowed Jasper to get his attention. When he gave me an annoyed look, I jerked my head up to the balcony and he followed my gaze. When their eyes met, Hot Guy gave Jasper a sexy smirk and made a come-hither sign with his index finger.

Slapping a hand over my mouth as Jasper looked back at me in surprise, I cried, "Holy shit! He wants to fuck you!"

Just then, Jasper's phone vibrated in his pocket. Pulling it out, he flipped it open.

"It's a text from Alice," he informed me, and I leaned over as we read it together.

**GO FOR IT. His name is Brian. The man's a sex god! U won't regret it.**

Snapping the phone closed, Jasper's face was spread with a devilish grin. Glancing back up at the balcony, Hot Guy Whose Name Was Brian raised an eyebrow at Jasper as if to say 'Are you coming?'

"Well, are you gonna go up there, Jas?" I asked, praying he would say no so that I wouldn't be left all alone down there, but knowing he wouldn't. He was open about this stuff…after all, he had fucked a dude before, and he let Alice explore his ass too. And now that he had the go-ahead from the wifey…

Jasper's grin widened more than I thought possible. "You bet! When in Rome, right?"

And with that, Jasper was off, climbing the stairs to the balcony. I watched as he had a really short conversation with Hot Guy Brian, before he was pulled away, out of my sight line.

Well, shit. Now I was all alone in a gay club, just like I was afraid of.

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><p><strong>AN:** To be continued...later this week, I promise!


	20. Clubbing, Part 2

**A/N:** So...a week turned into…too many to count! Sorry, my friends. Also, my apologies for not responding to reviews...time kind of got away from me. I certainly appreciated them all, and several made me laugh out loud. This chapter won't cover it, but I promise the next with have a rundown from Jasper about his time with Brian...

So, when we last left Emmett, Edward and Jacob had taken him and Jasper to a gay club. At the end of the last update, Jasper had just left Emmett alone to go screw Brian Kinney in the back room. (this is not beta'd, by the way, and is largely off-the-cuff)

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><p><strong>Clubbing, Part 2<strong>

Fuck, this was exactly why I didn't want to come here. I knew Edward and Jacob would ditch me once we got to the club, but Jasper too? Goddamn it.

Now, there I was, surrounded my gay dudes in various states of undress, their gyrating bodies coming all too close to mine, as I tried to disappear into the wall. Not an easy feat for a big guy like me. I had to brush off several propositions as men inevitably laid eyes on me, trying to get me to dance with them. Of course, I turned them all down quickly, claiming to be meeting someone.

_Please, Jasper, hurry the fuck up!_

"You all alone, sugar?"

I turned around with a sigh, ready to ward off yet another flamer. Instead, I was met by a fuck-hot, curvy woman, wearing a red skin-tight, shiny minidress. Her hair was blonde and styled like Marilyn Monroe, and her tits were practically spilling out of her dress. Her shapely legs appeared to go on for miles, ending in red fuck-me pumps. Her eye makeup was a little heavy for my taste, but her luscious lips were deliciously amplified by her bright-red lipstick. She seemed a little bit on the older side, but age never bothered me much. This chick was _hot._

_What the hell is a fox like this doing in a gay bar?_

She was looking at me expectantly, her eyebrow arched, waiting for an answer. "Er, no," I said, finally finding my voice. "But it looks like my friends all ditched me."

"Poor baby," she said with a pout. "I was going to say, there's no way a big burly man like you could possibly be alone in a place like this. You'd think all the boys would be clamoring over you."

"I could say the same about you, beautiful," I replied, turning on the charm. She smiled back at me. "But I'm just here with friends. Nobody here really suits my tastes, if you know what I mean."

"Mmmm," she purred. "I think I do, sugar." She extended her well-manicured hand to me. "I'm Divina."

Taking her hand, I raised it up to my lips, flipping it over and kissing her knuckles, earning a delighted chuckle from her. "I'm Emmett. Nice to meet you."

"Likewise."

There was a silence as we regarded each other. I felt relief wash over me. What a stroke of luck, finding the only female in this sea of cocks. "You here with your girlfriends or something, Divina?"

"Nope," she said, popping the P with her plump, luscious lips. "All by myself."

"Now what the hell is a fox like you doing alone in a gay club? You _do_ know this is a gay club, right?"

"Guess I was hoping to find someone like you here, sugar." She leaned in close to my ear—she smelled so good, like spicy vanilla. Running her hand over my bicep, she murmured, "I'm a sucker for big muscles."

Just then, Lady Gaga's "Born this Way" started to pump its irresistible beat through the speakers. "Ooo, I love this song!" she cried happily, clapping her hands together in excitement. "Care to dance, sugar?"

I paused for a second, wondering what Rose would think if she found out about this. She wouldn't mind, right? I needed to distract myself while I waited for the guys somehow, didn't I? What was the harm in a dance? Rose wouldn't have to know. And I couldn't ignore that the thumpa-thumpa beat in the club had my feet itching to move. _It's just an innocent dance, to pass the time until my brothers resurface_, I told myself.

With a smile, I offered my hand to Divina, giving her a little bow. "It would be my pleasure."

Divina proceeded to drag me out into the middle of the dance floor, and started grooving to the beat. Her undulating hips were mesmerizing—I hadn't danced with another woman besides Rose in…well, not ever. It was a nice change. I busted out some sexy moves, earning a wink and a purr of approval from her. Soon, the song changed to one I didn't recognize, but I was having too much fun to call it quits. The music was flowing through me, working me up. Divina turned away from me, shaking her ass to the beat. I found myself wanting to press up against her. What had Jasper said when he left with that dude? _When in Rome…_

Taking a cue from him, I went with it, shimmying up behind her and pressing my body against her back. Her movements against my chest and abs were doing things to my cock that I couldn't control, and soon, my hardened dick was nestled between her ass cheeks as she moved her rump up and down my length. It was getting to be too much for me—I felt the sudden urge to feel her huge tits pressed against my chest. Spinning her around, she let out a surprised whoop as I pulled her close again, mashing those voluptuous tits against my body. Her hips connected with mine, and I felt a hard lump against my thigh. Had she been wearing a purse or something? Confused, I began to look down between us to check for the source of the protrusion, when I felt a hand clap me on the shoulder from behind, pulling me back from Divina. I took the opportunity to look—hmm, no purse…weird.

Turning to see who was holding me back, I was met with Edward, his eyes wide and a strange look on his face, a little like he was stifling a laugh. His face straightened out when he heard my thoughts, and he called over the music, loud enough for Divina to hear, "Code red, Emmett! Time to go!"

_Code red? What the fuck does that mean? C'mon, I'm having fun!_

"Friend in trouble?" Divina asked innocently.

"Something like that," Edward retorted.

I gave Divina an apologetic look as Edward led me off the dance floor.

"Come find me another time, sugar!" Divina cried, blowing me a kiss good-bye.

Swiftly, Edward pulled me through the club, all the way outside to the sidewalk. Jacob was waiting there with a rather disheveled, yet satisfied-looking, Jasper. We all started walking toward the car. Once we were clear of the line of humans waiting to enter the club, I whirled around, sticking an angry finger in Edward's face.

"What the fuck was that, man? You and Jake get to have fun. Jasper ditches me and obviously got to have fun. Why the fuck can't I have any fun? What the fuck was the point of dragging me here? I found the only fucking woman in that club, and you dragged me away! What. The. Fuck!" I yelled, not caring who heard.

Edward put his hands up defensively, taking a few steps back from me, his eyes wide. Of course, Jacob jumped to his side, ready to take me on if I got crazy.

"Trust me, Emmett. I was only trying to help you."

"Help me how? By messing up the one opportunity I had to enjoy myself?" I said, struggling to keep my voice down, even though I was still plenty mad. People had noticed and were watching us now.

"Em, please. A few more seconds and you would _not_ have enjoyed yourself. I _saved_ you in there."

"Oh, yeah," I scoffed. "You saved me from the scary, gorgeous lady who wanted to dance with me."

"Not a lady."

_Huh?_

"That lump you felt? It wasn't a purse, Emmett. It was a cock. That. Was. Not. A. Lady."

I felt my eyes widen and my jaw drop as realization dawned on me.

"I…I dirty danced with a…tranny?" I gasped in horror.

Edward nodded slowly, biting his lip to keep his obvious mirth at bay. Jacob had no such tact, however, and he burst into laughter, clutching his stomach as he doubled over.

"Asshole," I muttered at him, turning away and trudging back toward the car in my shame.

Edward stayed behind as Jacob struggled to get himself under control, but I felt Jasper jogging up behind me. He reeked like the cum of a lot bunch of different dudes. I wrinkled my nose but decided not to mention anything. After all, I'd just been grinding up on a shemale.

Jasper clapped me on the shoulder with a laugh, before slinging his arm around my shoulders. "Don't worry about it, bro. It could have happened to any of us."

"Not Edward," I grumbled, still embarrassed that I was so stupid and blind. Now it seemed so obvious!

"Well, no…but you know what I mean. At least he caught you before that guy gave you the shock of your life."

I nodded solemnly. I kind of wished he hadn't bailed me out—I fucking hated owing things to Edward.

Seeking to turn the conversation to himself, Jasper grinned broadly at me, obviously very happy and satisfied with how his night had gone.

"Dude, have I got a story for you…"

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><p><em><strong>AN: **_Now, I know I used the name Divina for the tranny, but it was NOT Michael's father from Queer as Folk; I just used the same name to keep the QaF flavor going. Michael's dad was decidedly NOT hot…he was more of a Dame Edna type :)

_**Only one more regular update is planned for this series. I have submitted the final chapter to the Toys4Tots Christmas Wishes compilation. For just a $5 donation, you will get a huge compilation of one-shots, outtakes and futuretakes from a lot of wonderful authors. And the money goes to an excellent cause. My entry will be the one we have all been waiting for: Emmett Finally "Gets It"! Once I am free to do so, I will post it to the end of this series as well, but that won't be for some time, so please donate to receive it on Christmas Day!**_

_**christmaswishescompilation DOT blogspot DOT com**_


	21. Movie Night

**Movie Night**

**Emmett POV**

It was the day after Thanksgiving, and Alice had dragged everyone out for some Black Friday shopping. As always, I protested, even though it never did any good. To my surprise and delight, Alice didn't put up much of a fight this year, which was completely unlike her. Instead, she let me off the hook with a little wink and a sly smile. The girl was weird, but whatever...it got me out of shopping and away from Rose's constant begging for a few hours.

Leaning back against the pillows on our king size bed, I sighed contentedly, blissful in the silence of the house. The stupid present Edward had gotten me a few months ago was haunting my life—Rosalie was practically frothing at the mouth to try the strap-on with me. I was holding steady with a pretty firm 'no,' admittedly afraid of the unknown and more than a little off-put by my encounter at the club with that way-too-convincing drag queen.

Remembering that close call, which I sadly had to thank Edward for saving me from, got me thinking about Jasper's extremely different experience that night, and his very graphic description of it…

_Dude, it was amazing. That guy Brian was a veritable sex god! When he led me by the hand into the back room, the other guys were looking at me with such envy—apparently, the guy is really sought after. And HE chose ME! _

_Anyway, he found a spot near the back of the room. If I was human, I would barely be able to see anything, it was so dark, but, as it is, I saw it all. Hand jobs, blow jobs, rim jobs, all out power-fucking—you name it, I saw it. The air reeked of sweat and cum, and the whole atmosphere was laden with lust. It wasn't hard to let it just carry me away, not that I needed any help in that area. I was more than ready to let this guy fuck me. _

_And fuck me he did! He kissed me furiously, not even flinching at the coldness or hardness of my skin…I'm pretty sure he was on drugs. His hands were everywhere, and before I knew it, my pants were around my ankles and he turned me to face the wall. The guy was prepared; he had a little packet of lube and a condom in his pocket. He lubed up his fingers and stretched me out fast—luckily, I AM a vampire, because I'm not that experienced and I'm not sure he really prepped me all that well. But damn, it felt so good; it had been a while since Alice last fingered me. _

_Then, he filled me up with his thick, long mother of a cock and pumped away, hitting my prostate every time. I came so fast; it was almost disappointing. But, damn, it was so fucking good…_

I had to admit it; his story was pretty hot. The details, combined with the rumpled clothing and satisfied look on his face afterward, left me kind of curious about the mechanics of it all. True, I'd caught Edward and Jacob in the act that one time, but I'd been so horrified at seeing gay sex for the first time, that it was kind of tainted in my mind. Maybe, just maybe, it wasn't as scary as I imagined it to be.

I decided to use this alone time to do a bit of research. Maybe I could psych myself up a bit and give the damned strap-on a go already, if only to shut Rosalie up! But seriously, they all seemed to enjoy it, so I would too...right? I mean, there had to be something to this...

Determined to familiarize myself with the apparent joys of butt sex, I opened my laptop and typed "gay sex" in the search bar. Pages of listings popped up immediately, and I clicked on the first link. The page that opened up was loaded with video clips and flashing blinky ads. The sidebar had a whole lot of big cocks getting jerked and blown, along with a few cum shots. I didn't need to see all that; I knew how blow jobs and hand jobs looked, thank you very much.

Looking through the video titles, I was kind of annoyed to see how many blow job videos there were—I was looking for the main event, damn it! Finally, one of the titles caught my eye—Twink gets Plowed by Power Top. That sounded about right, so I clicked on it. The film wasted no time, opening up with both of the guys naked, a skinny white dude sucking the bigger guy's really large dick. Guess there was no avoiding blow jobs. I get why; dudes love having their dicks sucked. But dudes didn't turn me on…I just wanted to see how they got ready to do the deed.

Eventually, the big guy pushed the little guy's face away from his cock and turned him around to lay face down on the bed. The little guy got up on his hands and knees, spreading his legs and pointing his ass straight up in the air. He was spread wide enough to be totally exposed, his asshole fluttering, his balls hanging low between his thighs. The big dude leaned his face down to the little guy's ass and, to my horror, began tongue fucking him.

It was seriously gross-looking—what must an ass taste like?—but the little guy was moaning and groaning and loving it. The big guy took his tongue out of the asshole and replaced it with a finger that he'd moistened in his mouth, sliding it inside. Again, the guy bucked against his hand, moaning loudly. The big guy moved it in and out; it looked just like fingering a girl, only tighter than a vag—much tighter. Eventually, he slid two more fingers in, pumping steadily until the little guy was begging for more.

Finally, the big guy conceded and removed his fingers, leaving the little guy's hole gaping. It was open fairly wide, but not wide enough for the big dude's fat cock…I was kind of afraid for him. Big dude lined himself up with the little guy's hole, the camera angle perfectly positioned to show him penetrating. He moved forward, and the little guy's hole stretched so far, trying to accommodate this huge cock, and the little guy started screaming. Now, I didn't know if it was painful screaming or pleasurable screaming, but I didn't want to find out. It freaked me out so bad that I slammed the laptop closed and set it beside me, squeezing my eyes shut to block out the images I'd just seen. If it was possible, I felt like my dick had crawled up inside me in fear, my asshole clenching tightly closed to ward off intrusion.

After taking a few deep breaths to calm myself, I had to laugh at my reaction and my poor choice of viewing. I wasn't gay, and I wasn't going to let a dude fuck me. The only person that would potentially be allowed near my asshole would be Rosalie, my wife and decades-long companion. And the only thing she'd be fucking me with was a toy. Tentatively, I slid off the bed and reached underneath it, retrieving the box I had been unsuccessfully trying to forget about.

Opening it up, I took a good look at the contraption inside. Thankfully, it was significantly smaller and thinner than what I'd seen in the video...and decidedly more comical and light-hearted, given it's purple color. And then, it occurred to me—there had to be strap-on videos out there, right? That's really the type of thing I should be looking for.

Getting back up on the bed, I reopened my laptop, swiftly closing out the open window and starting a new search: girls fucking boys. The results that popped up called it "pegging." I clicked on the first one, and it was a Tumblr feed, compiled by a girl that seemed like kind of a dominatrix. The pictures on the first page were all kind of degrading, with the men tied up with leather straps, or ball-gagged. I didn't really want any part of that, but I couldn't help but toggle through the other pages. There were some other pictures that looked more normal, and the shots of the guy's assholes swallowing the strap-ons were a lot less scary than the gay sex videos—the toys didn't stretch them out as much as a real cock did. Some of the dudes in the normal pictures looked like they were in real ecstasy, and I felt my cock beginning to stir in my pajama pants. It helped that the women were really hot too, I told myself.

Eventually, I came across a video on the blog titled "Sweet Vid of Pegging Couple." I clicked on it, ready to see something that might actually mirror what I might do with Rose. The girl in the video was really curvy and beautiful, with long blonde hair. She kind of resembled Rose. And she wore absolutely nothing but the strap-on. The guy was already on his hands and knees, but the video was shot from the side, so there was no view of his asshole. The girl began to play with her ample tits, licking her fingers and tugging at her nipples, moaning with pleasure.

My cock was wide awake now, and I felt my hand slide down into my drawstring pants with a mind of its own. The girl slid her hand down her stomach and grabbed hold of the rubber cock, digging it into her crotch and moaning loudly as she stimulated herself with it. Grabbing hold of my burgeoning erection, I pushed the waistband down under my balls, freeing myself and giving my cock a firm stroke in time with the girl.

As she leaned down and started preparing the guy the same way I'd seen in the gay video, my hand moved faster. It was a lot hotter with the girl lapping at the guy's ass. I imagined it was Rosalie, licking my ball sac and running her tongue down my ass crack. My eyes grew heavy and I struggled to keep them open as little whimpers escaped me. My hand moved lightning quick over my leaking cock as the girl started to penetrate the guy, slowly and carefully, unlike in the gay video. He groaned out his obvious pleasure when she was fully inside, and she began to gently thrust with her hips, kneading his butt cheeks with one hand and playing with her tits with the other, moaning all the while. He cried out loudly with each thrust of her hips; the intensity of his cries surprising me, since she hadn't touched his cock once.

My toes curled as I felt my impending orgasm spread through my abdomen, and my other hand palmed my tightening balls. Experimentally, I slid one finger lower than I ever had before, brushing gently over the opening hidden between my ass cheeks. It was a lot more sensitive than I expected, and I came hard at the contact, milking my dick as cum shot over my hand and stomach.

Breathless, I watched as the couple in the video both reached their own climaxes, then closed the laptop, leaning back against the pillows and shutting my eyes, a grin of satisfaction plastered on my face.

Maybe I could get behind this idea after all.

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><p><em><strong>AN: That Tumblr is real. If you are interested, I'll send along a link in PM.**_

_**Those of you awaiting updates for Clash of Covens and Cast Aside, I'm sorry for the delay! I really wanted to get the last few chapters of this one completed before the Christmas compilation goes out on Christmas Day with the finale.**_

_**That being said, this is the last regular update for The Emmett Tries to Understand Series. The final chapter, titled "Emmett Finally Gets It" has been submitted to the Toys4Tots Christmas Wishes compilation. (It DOES have a Christmas theme as well!)**_

_**For a minimum $5 donation, you will get a huge compilation of one-shots, outtakes and future takes from a lot of wonderful authors. And the money goes to an excellent cause. **_

_**christmaswishescompilation DOT blogspot DOT com**_

_**Once I am free to do so, I will post the final chapter to the end of this series, but that won't be until late January, so please donate to receive it on Christmas Day!**_

_**Merry Christmas! Please leave me some Christmas love with your thoughts on this series! All reviewers will receive a teaser excerpt from the final chapter! hank you for reading!**_


	22. Emmett Finally Gets It

**This is the final chapter for my Emmett series, originally written for the Christmas Wishes Toys4Tots compilation. So, if anyone here donated, you've already seen this, but for those of you who didn't, please enjoy the conclusion! (Thank you to harrytwifan for editing this, and Yulliah for the awesome banner!)  
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><p><strong>Emmett POV<strong>

_**December 23rd**_

Oh, goddamn it, not again. Can't they keep a lid on it for more than five minutes? Or, at the very least, tone down the noise level?

Edward and Jacob were worse than Rose and I ever were. The rest of the family would probably beg to differ, but those boys were raunchy. I wouldn't mind so much if I didn't have to hear every detail of what they were doing. For some reason, the others thought it was amusing and just brushed it off as a honeymoon phase, but me…it really got inside my head.

It was almost Christmas, and my brother and his new mate had the bright idea to do a "twelve days of Christmas" sex thing. It went something like this:

_On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,_

_A long string of anal beads. _

_On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,_

_Two nipple clamps, and a long string of anal beads._

_On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,_

_Three paddle spankings, two nipple clamps, and a long string of anal beads._

You get the picture. And no, they didn't care about rhyming or keeping the cadence of the song. Unfortunately, they did insist on being consistent with the _way_ the song was sung, and repeating all of the "gifts" that had come before the day they were currently on. Today was day ten. It was going to be a long couple of hours.

I had to admit, I was kind of curious about what was so great about butt sex. Edward and Jacob were always moanin' and groanin'. Jasper had regaled me in explicit detail about his encounter with the sex god at the club. Even Carlisle had shared that Esme put her finger in his forbidden zone sometimes (I wished I could bleach my brain after that particular revelation).

Edward had "gifted" me with a strap-on for my re-birthday. It wasn't really a present—it was a revenge ploy, to get back at me for catching him and Jake in the act by piquing Rosalie's interest in turning the fuck around on me. Of course, I was horrified, and quickly shoved it under the bed—out of sight, out of mind, right? But no, Rose never let me forget it. Not that the image of that long purple cock strapped to a black leather harness was easy to forget. She was seriously interested now, and she tried to convince me to let her inside my backdoor every other night, practically.

Like I said, I _was_ curious. I mean, Ed and Jake really seemed to have a good time, judging from the noise and frequency of their romps in the sack. The accidental viewing of Jake's monster cock up Edward's tight little asshole was pretty fucking scary, but the strap-on Edward had gotten me wasn't so big…it was pretty thin, really. And Jasper had admitted to letting Alice fuck him with a thin dildo and loving it. So, I watched a couple of movies online. The gay sex ones were too much—real cocks were just too big. The "pegging" videos—girls fucking guys with strap-ons—were a little easier to take, but they all seemed to be kind of S&M. Like the girls really wanted to take away the guy's manhood by bending them over. I wasn't too thrilled with that aspect, but I was pretty confident that Rose wouldn't treat me like that.

So, I made a vow to myself, right then and there. Rose really wanted this and, although I was nervous about it, I kind of had to admit that I wanted to try it, too. That was going to be my gift to her this year. I'd write it on a little card with a puppy in a Santa hat on it—she'd like that.

Downstairs, I heard Alice clap her hands, squealing excitedly. I rolled my eyes to myself. No fucking secrets in this house. I hoped she wouldn't say anything to anyone.

_**December 24th**_

All day, Rosalie avoided me. When we happened to cross paths, she would give me sly looks and tiny, secret smiles before flitting off out of sight again. At first, I was confused by her behavior, but I soon came to the conclusion that she definitely knew something. And the only person I knew that was aware of my plan was my little pixie sister.

I found her out in the front yard, replacing some dead bulbs on the white Christmas lights strung along the bushes.

Even though she knew I was there, she jumped at the hard edge in my voice when I spoke. "What the fuck did you say to her, Alice?"

She whirled away from the bushes to face me, her hands on her hips, her brow creased in indignation. "I didn't say anything, Emmett, geez! Didya ever think that I'm not the only one who might know what you're giving her for Christmas, huh? Like, a certain mind-reader, perhaps?" she said pointedly.

Fuck, she was right. Why didn't I think of that? Of course, Edward probably heard my whole damned thought process. "Fuck, Alice. He has a grudge against me. Who knows what he's told her..." I moaned, worrying my bottom lip between my teeth.

With a look of pity, Alice flitted over and wrapped her tiny arms around me. "Oh, Emmett, Edward wouldn't do anything mean to spoil your present. Who knows? Maybe Edward is giving her tips. I've seen how it will go, and you are going to be one happy camper by the end of tomorrow night!"

"Oh, God, Alice!" I groaned, embarrassed. "Can't we pretend that you didn't see my future in this case?"

"Sure." She laughed, miming zipping her lips.

**~EFGI~**

Like any other family, we had our holiday traditions. The tree had been up and decorated since the day after Thanksgiving. I was the one who got to choose it—and each year I aimed for bigger and better. The seven foot blue spruce I uprooted for this Christmas had been in my sights for a decade, but I forced myself to wait until it was as full and tall as we could fit in the living room. It was finally ready this year, and Esme and Rosalie were thrilled when I stuffed it through the door. Nothing made me happier than to see a huge, satisfied smile on the faces of my wife and my mother.

It was evening, and we were all gathered in the darkened living room, the only light coming from the twinkling tree and the roaring fire Carlisle had stoked in the hearth. There was a fluffy, fresh coating of snow outside, just waiting to be mucked up when we all went out for our traditional family hunt in the morning.

We were about to pop in a favorite Christmas classic, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. I still remember the day it premiered in 1964—we had all been absolutely fascinated by the stop-motion animation, a landmark achievement in its time. Decades passing had not worn down its charm, and we still loved watching it as a family. The only ones missing were Edward and Rosalie, who I could hear, furtively whispering and giggling up in Edward's room. This, of course, made me really suspicious.

Annoyed, I called up to my wife. "Rosie! You're gonna miss Rudolph!" I yelled, nodding at Carlisle to start the DVD.

"Coming, babe!" she yelled back, and in four seconds she was sitting right beside me on the couch. She flashed me a wide smile, a knowing sort of look in her eye, before giving me a sultry wink and turning her attention to the TV.

Edward was close behind her, and he snuggled up next to Jake on the floor by the hearth.

_And what were you two laughing about up there?_ I asked Edward accusingly in my mind.

He didn't look at me, but he couldn't hide his snarky smirk.

Well, there was no question what they were laughing at now! The bastard told her my plan and ruined my Christmas gift! Edward dutifully ignored me, pretending he couldn't hear as I cursed him mentally.

"Do you want some hot cocoa, babe?" Edward innocently asked Jacob. He did, so Edward got up to go to the kitchen just as the Snowman narrator began to tell the story of Rudolph. Rosalie was distracted, talking to Esme about the movie, so she missed when Edward whispered under his breath as he passed by me, "You'll thank me later."

I glared at him. _You'd better hope so._

_**December 25th - Morning**_

Presents were piled high under the tree, placed there before midnight. Even though we didn't sleep, we liked to keep up the pretenses of our humanity, so we dutifully waited until six a.m. to open anything. The heap of gifts for Rosie was pretty high—lots of clothes and shoes, some new tools for the garage and a new, hip backpack for school. Buried beneath the pile was the card I had written out the night before, sneaking it into the bottom when no one was looking.

We gathered together at 6 o'clock sharp, and tore into our gifts like little kids. My usual excitement was a little bit dampened with worry; I wasn't quite sure how Rosie would react once she got to the bottom of the pile. Unfortunately, when she finally made it to the end, everyone else had already finished opening their gifts, so all eyes were on her. I could feel the heat of Jake and Edward's eyes boring holes in the back of my head; when I turned to look at them, they both flashed me wicked grins. Of course, Edward would tell Jacob. Bastard.

Rosalie opened the card and read what I wrote inside:

"_This Christmas, I am trusting you with my butthole. I'm nervous as fuck, so please be gentle."_

A slow smile spread across her face, and she clutched the card close to her breast. From the look on her face, you'd think I'd written her a sonnet or something. That's what my parents seemed to think, so I was grateful for her reaction. Leaning over, she kissed my cheek adoringly.

"Of course I will, baby. Thank you."

~EFGI~

Later that day, we set off for our family hunt. The forest was a brilliant white, the snow coating the evergreens like the picture-perfect Christmas card. Too bad we were staining it with blood. Rose was busy enticing me with her cat-like prowess, stalking and pouncing on her kills with a grace and ferocity I hadn't seen in a while. It was obvious that she was unbearably horny, and also feeling kind of dominant, judging from the way she mounted her deer.

Her little display was working—my dick was sufficiently hard as I watched her, but her mounting behavior was killing my thirst. I only killed one deer to everyone else's three. Luckily, they were all wrapped up in their dinners, so they didn't notice that I barely drank anything. Well, everyone that is, except Jasper. The man knew me so well. Not as well as Rosie, but she was too preoccupied to notice at the moment.

Wiping his mouth on his sleeve, he walked my way, cocking his head towards the mountains, indicating for me to follow him. When we were far enough away from the group, he abruptly stopped and turned toward me.

"Wanna talk about it, Em?"

I shrugged with fake nonchalance. "I just don't really have much of an appetite right now."

"Does this have anything to do with your plans for tonight?" he asked pointedly.

Dragging a hand down my face in embarrassment, I groaned. "Oh man, you know too?"

"Of course I do, bro, and I must say, I'm really proud of you for having the stones to go through with it!" I raised a questioning eyebrow at him, and he continued. "You're finally gonna find out what you've been missing for the last eighty-some-odd years."

"Yeah, I mean, that's what everyone keeps saying," I conceded. "But doesn't it hurt? It looks like it would hurt."

He rolled his eyes dramatically. "Yeah, maybe if you were a human, it might at first. But, buddy, you're a vampire...it's not gonna hurt you. You're pretty much invincible. When was the last time you felt pain?"

The last time I felt pain was when I was burning. Still though, I wasn't convinced. "You sure? I mean, nothing has ever been up in there before."

"Yeah, man, I'm sure. You saw Edward's ass all stretched out, remember? Did he look like he was in pain?"

Grudgingly, I thought back to the scene I'd stumbled upon in the woods a few months ago—the catalyst for Edward forcing the strap-on "gift" on me in the first place. No, he hadn't looked in pain at all, despite having a giant rod rammed up his ass—he'd looked like he was in complete ecstasy. I shook my head in response to Jasper's question.

"Right, he didn't," he went on patiently. "And Jake has a fucking monster of a cock; we've all seen that shit. The little dildo that Edward got you? It's smaller than the one Alice uses on me! Don't worry so much. You need to just relax and let yourself enjoy the pleasure center that God hid from you."

I knew he was right. I'd seen the porns. I'd heard Jasper's stories of his past adventures. I'd seen Edward enjoy it in the flesh. Guys wouldn't do it if it didn't feel good. I should be excited, and I was…I just couldn't shake that left-over feeling of nervousness for some reason.

Sighing, I said, "God, I wish I could get drunk. That would make things so much easier."

Jasper laughed and clapped me on the shoulder. "Well, let's go grab some beers and feed them to some bears, huh?"

_**December 25th - Evening**_

Turns out that drunken bears was a pretty good idea. The alcohol-laced blood took the edge off my nerves, though it didn't gotten rid of them completely. Playing a game from my new library was helping keep my mind off what was to come, too. The manufactured feeling of ease disappeared quickly when I heard Rose call me from our room.

"Emmett! Can you come up here, please?" Here it was—the moment of truth. There was no turning back now.

Taking a deep, unnecessary breath, I set down my controller and glanced around the room at my siblings, who gave me mostly reassuring smiles. Except Edward and Jake…their smiles were kind of wicked. I shuddered involuntarily, not too happy that they would be hearing what was going on up there. I made a vow to myself to be as quiet as possible. I didn't want to embarrass myself any more than necessary.

Jasper came over and gave me a friendly pat on the shoulder. "Have fun, bro." Then he shoved me unceremoniously toward the stairs.

Slowly, I climbed them, one by one, dragging it out, unsure of what I would find when I reached my bedroom door. Thankfully, Esme and Carlisle were gone; one of Carlisle's gifts to his wife was tickets to the opera.

Tentatively, I turned the knob of my bedroom door after taking a moment to steel my nerves. It wasn't so much about the possible physical pain anymore; it was more about being bent over and spread open in front of my wife. Was I man enough to let her dominate me? I wasn't so sure.

When I walked in, my head was held high with my pretend self-confidence. Rose was nowhere in sight, but the bedsheets were turned down. I recognized the clear pump bottle on the nightstand as the same one Edward and Jacob kept in their bathroom. The bottle of lube that I had mistaken for hair gel. Awesome. Glad to see they were being helpful about this.

My attention was turned at the sound of the en suite bathroom door opening. There was my Rosie, wearing a fluffy pink robe and a pair of black pumps.

"Hey there, big boy," she said with a grin. I returned it, but I don't think the smile reached my eyes, because hers faltered. She crossed the room and took my large hands in her tiny ones, reaching up to give me a tender kiss. "Thank you for this, Emmett. I'm so happy that you want to let me show you pleasure like you've never known before. I know you're nervous about it, but don't worry, I've done my research; it will be amazing, I promise."

Placing a kiss on the top of her head and drawing her body in close, I hugged her tightly. "I know, baby. I know you'll take care of me. And I want to do this. I'm just kind of…I don't know. I'm supposed to be the manly one, you know? Doing this makes me feel like I'm…weak somehow. I don't know."

"There is nothing manlier than being able to admit you want to feel good, babe," she replied reassuringly. "If you end up deciding you don't want it, just say so. I won't push it." She pulled back slightly, enough to scratch her manicured nails over my chest through my shirt. I growled in appreciation.

"Now," she began, her voice sultry, "let's try to forget about all that and just have some fun."

I was all for that idea. Standing up on her tiptoes and snaking her hand around the nape of my neck, she pulled me in for a searing kiss. I lost myself in her familiar taste, the sensual feel of her lips melding with mine. Deepening the kiss, our tongues entwined and she let out a sultry purr that never failed to stoke the fire inside. I could smell her arousal, hot and wet between her legs, hidden beneath that damned robe. I moved to rub my cock against the juncture of her hips, but she stepped back slightly, avoiding me.

My confusion was swiftly erased when she whipped my shirt over my head and ravaged my skin with her mouth, taking each nipple between her teeth, biting and licking them into pebbles as she swiftly undid my pants, letting them pool around my feet. I groaned loudly as she moved lower, tracing my each defined ab muscle with her talented tongue, caressing my straining erection through the cotton of my boxers. She was driving me wild with sensation; I desperately needed to feel her tits pressed against me. I moved to take off her robe, but she cut me off at the pass, abruptly pulling away.

She wagged her finger at me playfully. "Uh-uh-uh, all in good time, baby."

"But I need to feel you, Rosie," I whined.

Biting her lower lip, she grinned coyly. "Okay, okay. Somebody's eager. But wait, something's missing." Rosalie flashed over to the dresser and returned in an instant with a Santa hat in her hand. She pulled it down over my ears and stood back, taking in my whole, near-naked form. "Mmmm...Sexy Santa," she purred, as she shoved me playfully down on the bed.

I fell back onto the plush mattress and kicked the pants off of my feet before scooting back toward the center of the bed.

"You ready to see me, baby?"

My mouth felt strangely dry, so I just nodded in answer. Slowly, she lowered the robe to her elbows, revealing her soft tits, encased in a cupless black leather corset.

"Fuuuuck," I muttered, my cock feeling terribly restrained by the soft fabric of my boxers. I reached down and rubbed the poor guy to give him some relief. Pleased by my reaction, she licked her lips as she let the robe fall to the floor the rest of the way.

There it was, in all its glory—the purple rubber cock, jutting out from between my wife's legs, secured by those black leather straps. It looked significantly less frightening when she was wearing it. Dare I say that it was…sexy? Because it was. I surprised myself by how turned on it made me. My cock twitched and grew even harder in my hand, and I gave my right nipple a tweak with my free one.

Encouraged by my reaction, Rosalie slipped a finger between her lips and sucked on it, dragging the wet digit down her neck and between her naked tits, teasing each nipple in turn between her fingers, rolling them into pretty pink peaks. One hand flattened and glided down her flat stomach until it reached the purple cock, which she wrapped her hand around and stroked, making her moan wantonly.

"Feel good, baby?" I asked, surprised.

"Mmm-hmmm, there's a little piece on the base that rubs against my clit, and an attachment that fits inside me," she whispered huskily as she continued to move the toy against her crotch.

Fuck, that was hot. "Get over here, woman," I demanded, and she knelt down on the bed and stalked toward me, her full breasts swaying and the pruple cock bobbing with each movement. She stopped at my crotch and licked the length of my dick through the cotton, making me moan for more. Happy to oblige, she quickly shimmied the obtrusive fabric off of my legs before engulfing my cock inside her wet, hot mouth. As I always did, I thanked my lucky stars that my woman was a vampire, because it felt so fucking good to be completely swallowed down her throat. God damn, she was so good at sucking cock, she made my toes curl and nonsense tumble from my lips.

Tingling heat began to build in my belly and my balls began to tighten. I didn't want to blow so soon, but she really looked hot and, fuck, her mouth! She could tell I was close though, because she popped her mouth off me and replaced it with her hand, making me whimper at the loss. Instead, she focused on licking my balls, rolling them in one hand while the other leisurely stroked my cock.

Humming against my balls, she mumbled, "Spread your legs a little wider for me, okay, babe?"

Lost in sensation, I instinctively followed her directions and my thighs fell apart. A cool, wet fingertip circled my asshole, making me jump in surprise.

"Shhh," Rosalie whispered, "just relax."

I willed myself not to jump again as her finger returned, rubbing circles around my hole, pressing slightly against it. I could feel my butt tighten involuntarily each time she pressed against it.

"Sorry, babe," I mumbled as I tried to make myself relax, but my efforts seemed to be counteractive.

"It's okay; let me try something else." And then her wet tongue lapped from my crack up to my taint, making me shout at how good it felt. She dragged her tongue back and forth over my hole a few times; I could feel it fluttering under her tongue. Giving my dick a hard squeeze, she poked my hole with the pointed tip of her tongue, slipping inside the ring of muscle. My ass easily allowed it, and fuck, did it feel good.

"Oh, God, Rose, fuck!"

She tongue fucked me a few times, and I could feel her finger slip in alongside. Once it was in, she took her tongue out, returning her hot mouth to my cock. She sucked me with gusto as she wiggled her finger inside me, moving slowly in and out. It was a weird sensation, but it wasn't bad. It wasn't anything mind-blowing either, though; her mouth on my cock felt much better.

She continued to poke and prod my ass with each inward motion. I felt her crook her finger against my inner walls and make a come hither motion and—_holyfuckingshit!_—stars exploded in my eyes, and the tingling fire surged in the knot in my belly, making my whole body tense with the intensity of the pleasure.

"Unnnggggghhh! What the fuck was that?!"

"Was it bad?" Rose asked, worried, popping off my cock to look at me with concern.

"Fuck, no! Do it again!" I cried, not caring how loud I was or how wanton I sounded. She tapped her finger against that same spot, the little walnut nestled in the front wall of my ass, and my toes curled, precome leaking from my cock as I moaned like a bitch. I barely noticed as she added another finger, adding more pressure to that spot. My head was tossing against the pillow, my hands fisting the sheets as I bit my lips to try and contain the moans spilling from me. But it was a fruitless effort, and I eventually gave up on keeping it in, pushing back against her hand as she scissored her fingers and tapped that spot over and over again.

"Are you ready for more, Em?" she said, her voice raspy with need.

"More, yes, please," I babbled.

"Grab me the lube."

I did as I was told and handed her the bottle from the nightstand, watching as she one-handedly pumped the slick liquid into her free hand and slathered her cock with it. The purple dick glistened in the dim light of the room, and I found that I wasn't nervous at all to have her bury it in my ass—fuck, if her fingers felt that good, this little cock would provide constant pressure as she thrust her hips against me…

"Okay, turn over now, ass in the air…it'll be easier that way," she instructed.

She kept her fingers inside me as I turned onto my belly, raising up on my knees with my butt in the air, and pillowing my head on my arms. My cock hung heavy between my legs; if I could blush, I'd be bright red right now. I felt completely exposed, on display like this with Rosalie's fingers pumping in and out of my asshole, occasionally tapping that fucking amazing spot inside me. I was completely at her mercy, and it felt strangely liberating. She'd taken good care of me this far—I trusted her to take me all the way.

Rosalie moved to kneel behind me, letting her fingers slip out of my body. I whined at the loss, my puckered hole contracting and expanding, needing to be filled. It was a really strange sensation, and I wanted it to stop. I wanted her to just fuck me already. Moaning quietly, I wiggled my ass at her, hoping she would get the hint without me begging for it. Thankfully, she did. Placing her hands on my hips, she pulled her hips up to meet mine, the slick rubber cock sliding between my cheeks. I pushed back against her.

"Please, Rosalie…" Damn it, I begged. Thankfully, she seemed to think it was hot, because she groaned loudly, and I felt her steer the head of the cock in the right direction, pressing against my puckered flesh. Slowly, she breached the tight ring of muscle, and my ass stretched to accommodate the thickness of the toy. It was slightly uncomfortable, and a more alien feeling than her fingers, but it didn't hurt. She took it really maddeningly slow, and I felt it stretch me inch by inch until it was seated completely, the tops of her thighs pressed against my cheeks.

Leaning over my back, she hugged me from behind, kissing my shoulder blades, her soft breasts brushing my back. "You okay?"

I nodded and pushed back against her to show her I wanted more, making her moan and shudder. Fuck, I'd forgotten that the strap-on stimulated her, too. This was going to be amazing.

Rosalie slowly pulled the cock out until only the head was inside me, and slid back in, just as slow, testing me out, learning to use the toy. After a few tentative trial thrusts, I was getting frustrated. I wanted to get pounded—I wanted her to hit that spot.

"Rosalie, please! _Fuck me!_" I growled. That spurred her into action, and her hips quickly found a fast, snapping motion. After a few rough thrusts, she hit the spot I needed, and I howled with pleasure. From then on, she never changed her angle, and she stoked the fire inside me repeatedly. My cock swung freely between my legs. I was too busy supporting myself and she was too busy holding onto my hips to touch it, but I didn't need it to be jerked. The stimulation in my ass was more than enough. Our moans and grunts grew louder and louder as our bodies slapped together. I no longer cared who heard or how weak I might have looked to her right now—it felt _so fucking good_. Sensation was all I could focus on.

Too soon, the coil in my belly tightened and my balls drew up close to my body. Two more swift poundings against my prostate had me screaming and spurting my release all over the bedsheets, my body shaking with the intensity of the climax. My head was buzzing and I think I went blind for a minute—it was the absolute best orgasm I had ever experienced. Rosalie's thrusts became frenzied as she chased her own release, and it didn't take long for her to let out a sexy cry and collapse against my back.

As we came down from our high, the cock slipped from my ass. I felt strangely empty; I was surprised that I kind of missed the feeling. Turning around onto my back, I pulled Rosalie into my side, and she nestled in the crook of my arm, her leg draped over mine, the wet purple cock resting against my abdomen.

Stroking her silky blonde hair, I kissed the top of her head. Humming contentedly, she returned the favor, peppering my chest with light kisses.

"Did you like it, baby?" she asked, sounding a little worried.

I chuckled at her silly question. "Couldn't you tell?"

Her smile spread against my skin and she nodded into my flesh. Tilting her chin up with one finger to look into her eyes, I asked, "You knew exactly what to do—so careful, but so confident. How'd you do that?"

"Edward may have given me a few pointers yesterday."

I groaned, rolling my eyes. "Well, I guess I'll have to thank him," I said, defeat in my voice.

"You're welcome!" he called from downstairs.

I felt so awesomely satisfied; I couldn't even find it in myself to be embarrassed that he was obviously listening to us. _I owe you one, bro._

"So, do you think you'd want to do that again sometime?" Rosalie asked hopefully.

"Fuck yes! How 'bout right now?"

She started to laugh, not believing me, but I cut her off, convincing her I was serious with a demanding kiss.

_Best. Christmas. Ever._

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><p><em><strong>AN: I hope you all have enjoyed Curious Emmett...no longer so curious ;) Thank you for all of your support with this series. I sincerely hope it made you laugh!**  
><em>


	23. Futuretake: New Sofa

Inspired by **Devora13**. This one's for you. I dashed it off and it's not beta'd, so sorry for mistakes. It's only a blurb really.

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><p><strong>Futuretake: New Sofa<strong>

Edward and Jacob had bought a new sofa and they invited me over to check it out. As I knocked on the apartment door, I thought about how weird it was that they had their own place now. It still felt strange not to have Edward in the next room or down the stairs after a century and a half.

Jacob threw the door open after a few moments.

"Hey, Em! Come on in."

I followed him inside. "This thing is so great—you're gonna love it. It's Italian leather, and it's a double recliner! Each side has its own button, so if I want to lay back and he doesn't, it's cool. Isn't that awesome?"

"Fuck yeah," I said as I followed him down the hall. "I thought it was one of those lever recliners though."

"Nope, it's a plug-in," he said as we entered the living room. Edward was sitting on the famous sofa, reading some magazine.

"Hey," he said, not looking up. That guy was such a prick. Why did I miss him again? Oh yeah, because I love riling him up.

"A plug-in, eh? Does it vibrate?" I asked, barely stifling my laughter. This couch was so homo, all tan and puffy **Italian** leather, and did that label say _Cindy Crawford: Home_ on it?

Edward rolled his eyes but Jacob was oblivious. "God, I wish!" I was about to add more about why Jacob might enjoy a vibrating couch, but he changed the subject before I could. "It was such a bitch to get it in here."

I didn't believe it. "Oh, come on, two strong guys like you? Just one of you could have easily done it alone."

Edward shook his head. "That wasn't the problem. It was maneuvering it up the stairs and through the doorway. It took three hours."

"Three hours? Holy shit."

"A lot of that time was just us, fighting," Jacob admitted.

"Well, you wouldn't listen," Edward said with an edge of frustration. He set the magazine down on the side table. "I _**told**_ you we had to push your end up to clear the railing, but _**no**_, you had to do it _**your**_ way—"

"Guys, guys," I said, waving my hands between them like a referee. "Don't fight when I'm here."

"Sorry," Jacob said. Edward just narrowed his eyes at me.

"So, show me the famous reclining action," I said, hoping to diffuse Edward's mood. I could smell his angst coming from a mile away by now. He frowned at me, but said nothing.

Jacob bounded over to the couch in excitement, like a kid showing me his new toy. He plunked down on it, and it did look rather comfortable the way he sank into the leather cushions.

"Look how far back it goes!" Jacob exclaimed as he pushed a button hidden under the plush cushion of the armrest. The seat slowly but steadily kicked its feet out and the head tilted downward. When it finally stopped moving, Jacob was almost completely lying down. Only the plump cushion beneath his head elevated him a small amount. "Come on," he cried, beckoning Edward to push his button, "show him how it looks with both sides down."

Edward seemed pleased by his mate's excitement, like it was warming his heart. Their eyes met and they smiled at each other. It was kinda sweet. He reclined his side to match Jacob's and folded his arms behind his head. "It's so great for watching movies."

Bah! That fucking tacky-looking, tan leather couch looked like a queen-size bed all rolled out. Those two boys, looking happy as little clams with their purchase, made the picture perfectly clear to me.

"Oh please, come off it. This isn't for watching movies. That—," I declared, pointing at the two of them laid out on that 70s porn sofa, "—is a sex couch."

Jacob's expression immediately changed from pleased-as-punch to mortified which, of course, gave him completely away. He kind of recoiled from me without realizing it. Edward looked irritated. He lifted his chin, crossed his arms, and glared at me dead in the eye.

"Well, at least it's easily cleaned."

Did he really just say that?

Jacob and I burst out laughing. At first, Edward looked even more annoyed, but soon he relaxed and smirked along with us.

I slapped my knee as I tried to stop laughing and catch my breath.

"Oh, Edward," I half-gasped. "You dog."

Jacob stopped laughing immediately and went all Alpha on me. "What's that supposed to mean?" he practically growled, skin twitching in his anger.

Edward swatted his arm. "Calm down. He didn't mean it like that."

Jacob relaxed his aggressive posture and nodded, giving me an apologetic look.

**Bless you**, I thought at Edward.

He just looked at me kinda like 'well, why wouldn't I? he was going to kill you," but there was a weird nonchalance behind it that made me think he thought about not saying anything to make Jacob back off. Edward considered letting me become dog food—I mean, win in a fight against Jacob the Alpha Wolf who thinks I'm a racist now, OBVIOUSLY.


End file.
